IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many people put their personal information (address, telephone number,...) online for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#people #information #address #telephone #activities #networks #purposes #development
In modern society, personal
information
 required for everyday tasks
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 usually saved on the Internet. From my perspective,
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 is no doubt that
this
 trend
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 proved to be convenient in various ways,
however
, there are serious technical risks that need to be articulated. On the one hand, the auto-filled process helps accelerate the
information
 exchange rate.
First,
faster access to a designated website can curb
down
Change preposition
apply
show examples
usage time by a significant number.
For example
, many people own several social media accounts,
Correct word choice
and which
show examples
which
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
take
Correct subject-verb agreement
takes
show examples
 them 5 to 10 minutes per day to log in if the user names and passwords are not autosaved.
Second,
automatic processes perform their task more precisely and efficiently than humans do. These features are extremely helpful in completing time-consuming and tedious tasks
such
 as declaring taxes or shopping for groceries on a weekly basis. By storing your personal
information
 online, the computer can replicate and perform your lists by themselves at the click of a button.
On the other hand
, personal
information
 can be exploited by hackers for financial purposes. Many people are victims of online scams and lose their private
information
 by accessing the Internet via unprotected wifi or catching viruses from websites. In some real-life circumstances, hackers can blackmail the hosts for money in return for their social accounts, private messages, images, etc. In other scenarios, that
information
 can be sold to big-data incorporations and used as input for unknown social analysis or research. In conclusion, I believe that autosaving personal
information
 is an act with mixed outcomes, which can save Internet users a large amount of time
while
making
Verb problem
exposing
show examples
 them
exposed
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to online scammers.
Submitted by chocolovemint99 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Enhance your task achievement by addressing the prompt more directly and developing your ideas further. Aim for clearer and more comprehensive ideas to strengthen your overall response. Try to include more relevant and specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay generally has a clear logical structure and a well-presented introduction and conclusion. Focus on improving the coherence and cohesion by using more transition words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively. Additionally, ensure that the relationships between your sentences and paragraphs are clearly established.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal information
  • Online privacy
  • Security concerns
  • Identity theft
  • Enhanced connectivity
  • Convenient access
  • Social networks
  • Banking purposes
  • Positive development
  • Negative impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: