IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many different countries have most shops and products as the same. Some consider it a positive development, whereas others consider it negative. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#countries #shops #products #consider #development
Nowadays, the criteria defining a successful person
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 changed a lot in our
society
.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 history has many examples of
people
 who were not famous
however
 they were successful in their respective fields. In my perspective, success is defined by a
persons
Change noun form
person's
show examples
 ability to perform their duties and not by the fame or the assets they possess.
Firstly
, few
people
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 might decline the fact that many
people
 who are successful might not be famous. They might be at the top of their race because of their sheer tenacity.
For example
, recently I met an old man
while
 I was waiting to board a bus from
kashimira
Change the capitalization
Kashimira
show examples
 police station. He was sitting beside me when I asked him for a bus number which
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 help me to reach my destination.
This
 is when our conversation started and during our
chat
Add a comma
chat,
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 I realized that the man sitting beside me is one of the top players in the securities trading industry. He had a turnover of around 400cr a year. Despite being successful, not many
people
 know him in our country.
Besides
,
Society
 knows just a handful of
people
 who are famous because of the media influence.
For example
, Elon Musk and Jack
ma
Capitalize word
Ma
show examples
. These
people
 are famous because they have
bought
Correct your spelling
brought
show examples
 a revolution in their respective industries by surprising the masses with their innovation.
Also
, they had the skills and ability to communicate with
society
 in
such
 a manner that one might
get
Verb problem
be
show examples
 completely convinced
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 their ideas. They have shown the tremendous power of effective communication to the world.
To conclude
,
people
 who are successful are indeed rich in our
society
However
, It may not be necessary that they are famous and
well known
Add a hyphen
well-known
show examples
 around the world.
Submitted by milonimadhavani on

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt effectively by discussing both sides of the argument and providing a clear opinion at the end. Make sure to introduce each side clearly to improve the coherence of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a good organization and coherence. However, pay attention to the transition between paragraphs to create a smoother flow of ideas. Work on improving the introduction and conclusion to provide a more comprehensive overview of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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