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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that professional workers such as doctors, nurses and teachers who make greater contributions to society should be paid more than those people in the field of sports and entertainment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

These days celebrities get much more money than other
professions
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as doctors, teachers, engineers and etc. The former
professions
Use synonyms
 are not so important as the
last
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 ones. I would stick
next
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 opinion that the social
specialty
Change the spelling
speciality
show examples
 should be paid more than it is now. In
this
Linking Words
 ,essay we will try to look at each side, and I hope will find why a situation is like
this
Linking Words
. On the one hand actors, singers and other entertainment persons work hard and their salary fit
to
Change preposition
apply
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their performance. It's clear that
olimpic
Correct your spelling
Olympic
 sportsmen work really a lot, at least four years to the
next
Linking Words
 game, and in a fact just only three medals exist for each type of type discipline. And their work looks great when
finally
Linking Words
 he or she gets it.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
,Furthermore
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 some actors have to drop weight
for example
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 from 120kg to 60 in 3 months or vice versa, just only for one episode. Whereas it take a place some other celebrities who became a famous due to done very simple thing like funny dance, song and so on, and social networks help them to be known for the wide public. Others like companies try to use it
,
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apply
show examples
 and offer them money for the advertisement of their products. So
last
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 ones get easy cash, and,
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furthermore
Add a comma
,furthermore
show examples
 try to find
next
Linking Words
 simple thing.
This
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 looks not so great as the former two samples.
On the other
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hand
Add a comma
,hand
show examples
 other
professions
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 whiches need more than entertainment and they do really necessary things,
such
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 as electricity, mobile communication, farmers, doctors and nurse and so on.
This
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 is a
professions
Use synonyms
do
Correct pronoun usage
that do
show examples
 a lot and without,
them
Change the pronoun
their
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 human life on the earth might look worse. But like everywhere in
this
Linking Words
 profession exist persons who got their money even their professional level is not fit to their salary. So, in conclusion, I see both sides have
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 favourites which paid
according
Add the preposition
toaccording
show examples
 their real hard effort, and unfortunately in entertainment and social workers areas exist persons who paid even they not sute to their salary.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • compensation
  • contribution
  • disparity
  • essential services
  • societal values
  • public health
  • education sector
  • market demand
  • audience engagement
  • talent attraction
  • intangible value
  • inspire
  • unite
  • long-term consequences
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