IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Nowadays,many xschools find it profitable to sell food and sugary drinks to students during lunch time breaks. Is this a positive or negative development?

#xschools #food #drinks #students #lunch #time #breaks #development
Selling junk
foods
 and high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 sugar drinks help many
schools
 to make an important
profit
. In
this
 essay ,I will extend my point of view that the actions are
harmfully
Replace the adverb
harmful
show examples
 because it
establishes
Wrong verb form
establish
show examples
 bad
habits
 of eating on the children and lead to obesity.
Nevertheless
, it makes an essential
profit
 for the
schools
. Providing ,
to begin
 with ,unhealthy
food
 in
schools
 canteens as an option at the
lunch time
Correct your spelling
lunchtime
show examples
 has
as a result
 children to follow bad
food
habits
 at the early stage of their lives. If teenagers ,
for instance
,learn to eat high fatty
foods
 ,it will be difficult to adopt better
food
habits
 when they will be adults.
Similarly
, as it is well - known junk
foods
 have
as a result
 people
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 obese . Learning students to eat junk
foods
 and sugary drinks could cause obesity to them. Teenagers ,
for example
, who eat high-fat
foods
 are more overweight than the others who follow
a good eating schedules
Correct the article-noun agreement
a good eating schedule
good eating schedules
show examples
 in their lives.
On the other hand
 , a large number of
schools
 are private in most of the countries and need financial stability.Selling
foods
 like ,chocolate and chips , which are very addictive can help them to achieve an enormous
profit
 in order to provide a high level of education and specific equipment. In summary,if
schools
 canteens sell
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unhealthy types of
food
 has as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consequences children to adopt bad
habits
 in their lives and to be obese.
However
 ,most of the
schools
 are private companies and need
profit
 to survive. I strongly believe that unhealthy stuff should be banned from selling at
schools
.
Submitted by adsougl on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: