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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#employers #people #jobs #information #hobbies #interests
These days some
employers
are need
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 to know some personal
information
 from the candidates.
For instance
, their interesting things and general hobbies. While some believe that
these personal
Change the determiner
this personal information
show examples
information
 could be highly important, others argue that it is not necessary to get involved in their personal life. I completely agree with the former one, and in
this
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
 I will discuss both sides of the argument. People who believe that the personal
information
such
 as marital status and other interests of the
employees
 are not important, I totally disagree with them, because when
employers
 do not know any background about their candidates who would be hired in their company,
this
 could be risky for the work sake. One of these risky reasons is that may be the employee is
unreliable
Add an article
an unreliable
the unreliable
show examples
 person.
In contrast
, people
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
would argue that it is essential to know some personal
information
 about the
employees
 before they
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 hired.
This
 may
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 advantages
outweigh
Correct pronoun usage
that outweigh
show examples
 the disadvantages.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
employers
 could determine
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
salaries based on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
marital status.
Furthermore
, being aware of
employees
 interests could improve work progress and the
efficiently
Replace the word
efficiency
show examples
 of the workforce would be evolved.
Employers
 could help
employees
 to improve their habits and interests. In conclusion,
employers
 who would not know anything about their workers would have been more
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
dangerous
Replace the word
danger
show examples
 than the
employers
 who know some basics about their
employees
. In my point of view, there are no credible alternatives for the
employers
, except that they should know more about their
employers
.
Submitted by fahdhussien21 on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • job application
  • personal information
  • hobbies and interests
  • marital status
  • relevant
  • useful
  • privacy
  • assessing candidates
  • qualifications
  • experience
What to do next:
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