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Band 4.5

In achieving personal happiness, our relationship with family, friends, and colleagues are more important work and wealth. Do you agree or disagree with this?

#happiness #relationship #friends #colleagues #work #wealth
Well, actually it is necessary
problem
 because a
lot
 of
people
 want to earn
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
money
 and they
work
 very hard. The
people
 forgot about
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
family,
friends
, and colleagues. It is not
industriousness
Correct article usage
an industriousness
show examples
 person that
love
Change the verb form
loves
show examples
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
. In my opinion, they enjoy
then
 earn huge abundance. In my view,
people
 divided useful and useless
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
, I would like to rewrite about both of them. It
seem
Change the verb form
seems
show examples
 to me that, nowadays
people
 try to live convenient so they earn
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
money
. It is
first
Add an article
the first
show examples
 reason why they do not spot
work
 and forgot about
vocation
Correct pronoun usage
their vocation
show examples
 or do not want to relax. From my point of view
second
Correct article usage
the second
show examples
reason
Add a comma
,reason
show examples
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
respect
. The
people
 want to
respect
 themselves.
The humankind
Correct article usage
Humankind
show examples
love
Change the verb form
loves
show examples
 themselves and try
live
Change preposition
to live
show examples
 comfortable. To my way of thinking
third
, it is entertainment because a
lot
 of
people
 enjoy
funny
Correct article usage
a funny
show examples
lifestyle
. They spend
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
money
dance
Change preposition
on dance
show examples
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
, pub
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
 and so on.
As a result
, I think
people
 must earn a
lot
 of
money
 for
convenient
Replace the word
convenience
show examples
, for
respect
 and for entertainment
lifestyle
.
On the contrary
, I think
people
 should
improving
Wrong verb form
improve
show examples
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 and earn
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
money
 for
lifestyle
Correct pronoun usage
their lifestyle
show examples
. But we never forgot about
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 which
respect
 and help
you
Correct pronoun usage
us
show examples
.
For example
, family,
friends
, and colleagues. When we
work
 very hard every day. The
people
 step by step
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not pay attention
our
Change preposition
to our
show examples
 relationship with family,
friends
, and colleagues. It is
Correct article usage
a seriously
show examples
seriously
Change the adverb
serious
show examples
problem
 for our
people
 who
work
 every day. We
try
Add the particle
totry
show examples
 earn a
lot
 of
money
 and never forgot about
people
 who
very
Add a missing verb
are very
show examples
 necessary for
you
Correct pronoun usage
your
show examples
lifestyle
. The
people
 never pay attention
this
 is
problem
Add an article
a problem
the problem
show examples
.
However
, it is small
problem
 in future
will
Correct pronoun usage
that will
show examples
 be
huge
Add an article
a huge
show examples
problem
.
For instance
,
friends
 lost in touch, devise family and so on.
Hence
, it is important for our
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 past and future. We never forgot about for closer. In my view, we should
work
 very
hardly
Replace the word
hard
show examples
 and earn
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
money
 because a
lot
 of
people
 want to
life
Replace the word
live
show examples
 rich. But we never forgot closer
people
.
Submitted by Qcutruxa on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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