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Band 5

In achieving personal happiness, our relationship with family, friends, and colleagues are more important work and wealth. Do you agree or disagree with this?

#happiness #relationship #friends #colleagues #work #wealth
Well, actually it is necessary
problem
 because a
lot
 of
people
 want to earn a
lot
 of
money
 and they
work
 very hard. The
people
 forgot about their family,
friends
, and colleagues. It is not an
industriousness
Replace the word
industrious
show examples
 person that loves a job. In my opinion, they enjoy
then
 earn huge abundance. In my view,
people
 divided useful and useless parts, I would like to rewrite
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both of them. It seems to me that, nowadays
people
 try to live convenient so they earn a
lot
 of
money
. It is the
first
 reason why they do not spot
work
 and forgot about their vocation or do not want to relax. From my point of view the
second
 ,reason is
respect
. The
people
 want to
respect
 themselves. Humankind loves themselves and
try
Change the verb form
tries
show examples
 to live comfortable. To my way of thinking
third
, it is entertainment because a
lot
 of
people
 enjoy a
funny
Replace the word
fun
show examples
lifestyle
. They spend a
lot
 of
money
 on dance clubs, pub clubs and so on.
As a result
, I think
people
 must earn a
lot
 of
money
 for convenience, for
respect
 and for entertainment
lifestyle
.
On the contrary
, I think
people
 should improve results and earn a
lot
 of
money
 for their
lifestyle
. But we never forgot about
people
 which
respect
 and help us.
For example
, family,
friends
, and colleagues. When we
work
 very hard every day. The
people
 step by step does not pay attention to our relationship with family,
friends
, and colleagues. It is a serious
problem
 for our
people
 who
work
 every day. We to
try
Add the particle
totry
show examples
 earn a
lot
 of
money
 and never forgot about
people
 who are very necessary for your
lifestyle
. The
people
 never pay attention
this
 is a
problem
.
However
, it is small
problem
 in future that will be a huge
problem
.
For instance
,
friends
 lost in touch, devise family and so on.
Hence
, it is important for our lives past and future. We never forgot about for closer. In my view, we should
work
 very hard and earn a
lot
 of
money
 because a
lot
 of
people
 want to live rich. But we never forgot closer
people
.
Submitted by Qcutruxa on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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