IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

many young people today know more about international pop or movie stars than about famous people in the history of their own country .why is this like this?what can be done to increase young peoples'interest in famous people in the history of their country?

#people #pop #movie #stars #history #country #peoples #interest
Since
this
 century is the era of technology, exchanging of information is simply done in just a
scond
Correct your spelling
second
. Meanwhile, the industry of cinema and music have found a lot of followers
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all over the world.
Therefore
,
people
 can watch other products of different countries which are made by different producers or singers on the Internet.
Although
this
 issue can be exciting, some
people
 believe that it can have side effects on their young generation and they can forget their own countries heroes or cultures. In
this
 essay, I am going to explain
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 problem and give some solutions
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it. Technologically, as we are living in
global
Add an article
a global
the global
show examples
 village, conserving cultures and social memes are becoming very hard.
Moreover
, young
people
 in societies are really addicted to
Internet
Add an article
the Internet
show examples
 and social media,so they spend most of their time on them, even when they are at schools or universities.Another reason is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 global websites in which famous movies or popular music from different parts of the world
are exists
Change the verb form
exist
show examples
 have been increasing . So
this
is make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 some authorities worried and they try to introduce their own famous
people
 like musicians or actors to their children and youths. One of the solutions that can be used is producing historical movies in which
people
 can learn more about their own culture or their old celebrities. Another way is that governments must publish various books at schools that are suitable for children to read and teachers must teach them in a way that
motivate
Change the verb form
motivates
show examples
 them to learn.
For example
, in some
schools
Add a comma
,schools
show examples
 they have special programs like performing shows or even delivering a lecture to entice their students to learn more about their own country. In conclusion, as I mentioned before ,
although
 new
thechnologies
Correct your spelling
technologies
 like Internet have a lot of
advantges
Correct your spelling
advantages
 , they
also
 have some drawbacks and losing culture is one
Change preposition
of
show examples
its disadvantages .
Therefore
 parents and governments must
cooporate
Correct your spelling
cooperate
 with each other and try to evoke their history for
their
Change the word
the
show examples
next
 generation.
Submitted by sarahnaeini81 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: