IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number,...) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#people #information #address #telephone #activities #networks #purposes #development
People are increasingly sharing their personal
information
 on the internet these days.
Although
this
 technique may improve user experience, I believe that it is a harmful trend since individuals would be more exposed to cyber-crime. On the one hand, updating personal
information
 online allows internet buyers to have a better experience. Consumers can make more comfortable online purchases by linking personal
information
 with unique accounts.
This
 is demonstrated when customers purchase on e-commerce platforms like Shopee or Lazada. Customers may avoid the time-consuming data submission and proceed directly to the final stage of making a transaction because their identification
information
 has already been linked with their sign-in accounts during the first registration.
As a result
, the purchasing process is sped up, resulting in a more pleasant client experience.
On the other hand
, posting personal
information
 on the Internet exposes
users
 to the risk of illegal activity. Private
information
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
given online,
such
 as names, addresses, and social security numbers can be used for nefarious reasons like financial fraud.
as
Capitalize word
As
show examples
 has often been the case on social networking sites, unaware
users
 might fall prey to hackers by clicking on links that violate their security settings.
As a result
,
users
' personal
information
 may be collected and utilized against their will, for purposes
such
 as extortion, property fraud, or disinformation.
Furthermore
, there is a danger that selfish firms would commoditize
users
' data and sell it for a profit to other organizations and industries.
Users
' wants, likes, and ideas might be exploited by shady groups if their personal
information
 falls into the wrong hands. In conclusion, despite certain modest advantages, registering personal
information
 online is a bad trend
due to
 the possibility of online fraud.
Submitted by msphuong1234 on

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task response
Ensure that your opinions are clearly stated and well-developed throughout the essay. Provide a balanced argument regarding the advantages and disadvantages of sharing personal information online.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a clear logical structure with a well-organized introduction and conclusion. Use more linking devices to create a smoother flow between ideas and paragraphs.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is appropriate, but consider incorporating a wider range of vocabulary to enhance the depth of your arguments.
grammatical range
You have a good command of grammar and a variety of sentence structures. Try to include more complex sentence structures and avoid repeating the same structures.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal information
  • Online privacy
  • Security concerns
  • Identity theft
  • Enhanced connectivity
  • Convenient access
  • Social networks
  • Banking purposes
  • Positive development
  • Negative impact
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