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Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries, it is common for women to participate in the workforce when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

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In several nations, females are familiar
to get
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with getting
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 involved in the professional field
while
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 their dependents
still
Add a missing verb
are still
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 immature.
Although
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 numerous merits for
this
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 declaration exist, other adverse are still worth considering On the one hand, one key advantage
for
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of
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 feminine contribution
in
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to
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 the workforce is the massive economic evolvement of a country.
In other words
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, myriad metropolises are struggling to develop their factories because of mitigated numbers of male
labours
Correct your spelling
labourers
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 to seal the gap in different industrial sectors.
Moreover
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, engaging women in the work community will enhance the amenities of colossal companies that
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 generally constrained to recruit foreign workers in the past. As reported in a study conducted by Forbes Magazine, numerous developed cities
begin
Wrong verb form
have begun
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 to adopt recent strategies that encourage female involvement in local firms in order to reduce dependency on international manpower.
Thus
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, the economy of a state is affected positively by female workers.
On the other hand
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, leaving children at an early age without maternal care has myriad negative repercussions mainly several health illnesses.
This
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 means a young individual spending elongated times without any personal affection may experience autism.
Furthermore
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, a mother tends to put her son in a nursery during working periods where he may not be treated as expected in terms of nutrition and education values. To demonstrate, my nephew spent his childhood in our home
while
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 his mom was working every day, and I can identify that he had mental issues.
Hence
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, the wellness of youngsters is negatively impacted by the diminished attention of their mothers.
To conclude
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, in various countries , it is a trend for women to manage a job
during
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at
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 young age period of their kids.
However
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,
this
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 subject has multiple pros
such
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 as constructive development of
national
Correct article usage
the national
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 economy, and diversity of demerits namely the well-being of their children.

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task response
Inadequate topic coverage. Task response is weak, as the essay only partially addresses the prompt. The advantages and disadvantages of women participating in the workforce when their children are young are not fully explored. It is important to thoroughly address all aspects of the given topic. Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the main ideas and the conclusion provides a clear and relevant summary of the main points.
coherence cohesion
Weak coherence and cohesion. The essay lacks a clear and coherent structure, making it difficult to follow the ideas and arguments. The organization of the essay is unclear, and the use of transitions to connect ideas is limited. Additionally, the introduction and conclusion are underdeveloped and do not effectively serve their purpose. Ensure that there is a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay, with effective use of cohesive devices and well-structured introduction and conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • workforce
  • economic benefits
  • standard of living
  • professional growth
  • career progression
  • social network
  • emotional support
  • role modeling
  • work-life balance
  • childcare costs
  • external childcare
  • additional income
  • emotional development
  • career opportunities
  • part-time roles
  • less demanding positions
  • juggling responsibilities
  • family environment
  • job satisfaction
  • financial security
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