IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree?

#children #computers #entertainment #time #sports #games
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Technology is the main factor which going to determines how
world
Add an article
the world
show examples
 has to function and connects with each other thing. We can figure out that
today
 a
lot
 of
teenage
Replace the word
teenagers
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 spend several
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
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 in a day just
to play
Change the verb form
playing
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
games
 or
entertain
Wrong verb form
entertaining
show examples
 themselves through computer devices.
Therefore
 I am strongly agreed that
today
's
teenage
Replace the word
teenagers
show examples
 highly
depend
Change the verb form
depends
show examples
 on computers or other electronic devices to
entertainment
Replace the word
entertain
show examples
them self
Correct your spelling
themself
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.
This
 kind of new norm starts to
creates
Change the verb
create
show examples
 a
lot
 of
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 in near future.
Therefore
 it is better to encourage
teenage
Replace the word
teenagers
show examples
Change preposition
to paly
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paly
Correct your spelling
play
show examples
games
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outside, because of the following reasons. When
children
 start to go outside and get
involve
Change the form of the verb
involved
show examples
 in playing
games
 like cricket or football,
it's help
Change the verb form
it helps
show examples
 to develop
children
 mental strength through the
development
 of physical
development
.By playing in outside areas where
children
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
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start
Change the verb form
starts
show examples
 to move
in
Change preposition
on
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 par with the game movement. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
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example
Add a comma
,example
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children
 start to run faster to get the ball or stop the ball just before passing the boundary line.where
this
 sort of
movements
Fix the agreement mistake
movement
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 starts to give a
healthly
Correct your spelling
healthy
 generation for
upcoming
Add an article
the upcoming
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 period.
Moreover
 when playing outside areas
chidren
Correct your spelling
children
 have to talk or involve with other
similiar
Correct your spelling
similar
 age friends where
this
create
Change the verb form
creates
show examples
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 actual social relationship.
Moreover
,
children
 can get out of their
loneliness
Replace the word
lonely
show examples
 life.According to the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
recent research paper released by
University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
 of Wales, indicate that "
Today
 7
children
 out of 10 spend their times within their room just by playing the
games
 or
entertainment
Replace the word
entertain
show examples
 themselves along by using
this
 kind of computer device.
However
,
development
Correct article usage
the development
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 of
technolgy
Correct your spelling
technology
 reflects through computers or
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
well developed
Add a hyphen
well-developed
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 devices where compare to
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
 people current
teenage
Replace the word
teenagers
show examples
are become
Change to the active voice
become
have become
show examples
 more capable of
Correct your spelling
handling
show examples
handing
Correct your spelling
handling
show examples
 the current context things more
effectivley
Correct your spelling
effectively
 and efficiently and
children
 brains start to handle multiple things at
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 same time by focusing on different things. In conclusion, I concluded that technology starts to run the world where each
elements
Change to a singular noun
element
show examples
 start to change
Correct your spelling
in line
show examples
inline
Correct your spelling
in line
show examples
 with it.
Development
 of gaming and entertainment facilities by computer or other
electonic
Correct your spelling
electronic
 device is
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
one example of it.
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 we can observe that
today
's
teenage
Replace the word
teenagers
show examples
 start to spend a
lot
 of hours in a day
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
palying
Correct your spelling
playing
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
lonely
Replace the word
loneliness
show examples
 or inside the house.
However
this
 kind of new norm cripplying the
children
 health ( mental and physical) and create a
longly
Change the adverb
long
show examples
 life for them.
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 these
children
are become
Change to the active voice
become
have become
show examples
 more efficient compare to
old
Add an article
the old
show examples
 generation.
Palying
Correct your spelling
Playing
Paying
games
 inside the house going to create a
lot
 of hardships for
children
, their families and
finally
 society through
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
unhealthly
Correct article usage
an unhealthly
show examples
 generation
Add the comma(s)
, therefore,
show examples
therefore
 government and relevant parities either teachers or parents
start
Add the particle
tostart
show examples
 encourage their student or
children
 spend time outside their home which will
going
Change the verb form
go
be going
show examples
 to
produces
Change the verb
produce
show examples
 more benefit for them. Thank you
Submitted by y.jena2 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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