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Band 4

Some believe that the Olympic games help bring people from different nations together, while others claim that holding the Olympics wastes money which could be used for important issues. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#believe #olympic #games #people #nations #olympics #wastes #money
The Olympic
games
 are held every four years
where
Correct word choice
and
show examples
people
 around the world are able to participate.
Nevertheless
, some
people
 might argue that these events are of no importance and the
money
 invested in hosting these activities could be used for other alarming issues. In my opinion, the Olympic
games
 are quite expensive to prepare for but are beneficial for the
country
 organising them. The main reason for holding the Olympic tournaments is to attract visitors and players from all around the world.
This
 benefits the
country
 because its financial status will increase.
For instance
, the government makes more profits
while
 selling tickets for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tournaments worldwide.
This
 will be boosting up the
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 status of the
country
 on a larger scale compared to the amount of
money
 that has been spent on the preparations.
Hence
, the population will enjoy a high living standard. Some
people
,
on the other hand
, believe that these events are very costly to afford. They prefer to use their
money
 effectively and efficiently.
For example
, in under-developing countries where
people
 have to struggle for a living might find it irresponsible if the government invest in these
games
 rather than providing them with a better quality of life. More concerning issues
such
 as poverty or malnutrition could have been alleviated if the
money
is
Wrong verb form
had been
show examples
 injected into the economy and
helping
Wrong verb form
helped
show examples
 out the poor. In conclusion,
Correct article usage
the Olympics
show examples
Olympics
Correct your spelling
Olympic
show examples
games
 do benefit a
country
 that has the means of hosting them. I
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that
this
 has a positive impact on the tourism industry.
However
, the government should not solely rely on these events to maintain a good living standard.
Submitted by vani950313 on

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task response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding the importance of the Olympic games, however, more depth and analysis could be included to fully explore the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a clear structure to the essay. To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to enhance the flow of ideas.

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