IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

More money should be spend on hiring and training the police force in order to reduce crime in big cities. What is your opinion?

#money #police #force #crime #cities
Nowadays there exist a lot of crimes and illegalities that should be find be found and stopped with the main objective to provide security to the world and everyone who lives on it. To face the issue of
crime
, there is the/an opinion that more money should be invested
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in the preparation of the
police
 force to reduce
crime
 in the cities. With respect to
this
 statement, I completely recognize that there is a need for preparing the
police
 body to defend
civils
Replace the word
civilians
show examples
 of any type of
crime
.
To begin
 with,
this
 measure would be positive for two main reasons. The
first
 point, it is well seen for people that the government cares about the protection and
secutity
Correct your spelling
security
 of
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
citezens
Correct your spelling
citizens
 and invest money
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 it. Another reason
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is the importance of having training education to maintain
police
 officers up to date with
Correct your spelling
upcoming
show examples
up coming
Correct your spelling
upcoming
show examples
 crimes and help them to detect and combat offences with minor damages.
On the other hand
, it is needed to say that
crime
 is complex and it creates different ways to be committed. It is usually said, for every
Add a comma
,low
show examples
low
Correct your spelling
law
show examples
 there is a loophole,
in other words
, for much we invest in protection, in installing modern safety systems or inventing intelligent weapons… there will be always someone who will betray all these borders and commit
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 criminal act. In a word, for many laws and securities systems, there will be many crimes. In conclusion, from my point of
view
Add a comma
,view
show examples
 I consider that it is a good idea to invest money in
police
Add an article
the police
show examples
 force to provide security and protection to citizens. But,
it
Add a verb
isit
wasit
show examples
also
 important to consider that there exist other issues in the community
such
 as poverty in the suburbs that should not be ignored and could be solved by fair investment in
welfares
Fix the agreement mistake
welfare
show examples
, which will help to reduce illegal activities.
Submitted by eugenia.naz12 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: