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Band 4.5

Many adults nowadays prefer spending their free time playing computer games. Why do they do this? Is this a positive or negative development?

#adults #time #computer #games #development
In
this
day
 and age, when the
development
 of information technology is increasing, all the traditional activities of young people are
also
 being replaced by
games
 or Internet surfing,... In
this
 essay, I will discuss
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
the reasons behind and elaborate on the negative side of
this
development
.
To begin
 with, adolescents these days tend to work and study harder than in the past to have a better life in the future.
As a consequence
, they easily get stressed and peer pressure so they will find playing
games
 to release the stress or recharge their batteries after a
hard-working
Correct your spelling
hard working
show examples
day
.
Furthermore
, because the game industry is growing
day
 by
day
, there is an existence of VR
games
 that attract a lot of people, you can
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
interact with the actions or scenes in the game through a realistic perspective.
On the other hand
,
this
development
 brings a lot of drawbacks to the
development
 of one’s life. If playing
games
 is abused,
this
 is a “double-edged sword”. School-age - the country’s future generation,
for instance
, has a negative impact on not only health and psychology
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 moral behaviour and personality.
Initially
, it was just for the sake of entertainment. Over
time
, players will develop psychological instability, despair, scowl and brash behaviour with their parents.
Moreover
, playing computer
games
 can become addicting, resulting in the waste of valuable
time
. Rather than spending
time
 enhancing skills,
partaking
Correct word choice
and partaking
show examples
 in social activities, many waste
time
 on computer
games
. In conclusion,
besides
 the awareness
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 playing computer
games
 of adults, the government should organize more attractive playfields or clubs for adults.
Submitted by jakedth162 on

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coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are not clear and comprehensive. Make it more impactful by clearly stating your position and summarizing your main points.
task achievement
Your essay lacks clarity in addressing all parts of the task. Clearly present your position and explain your ideas with relevant examples to fully respond to the prompt.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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