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Band 4.5

Something that is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #activities #video #games
In the current world, Innovation generation
becames
Correct your spelling
becomes
became
Correct your spelling
influence
influrence
Correct article usage
an influrence
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
these society
Change the determiner
this society
these societies
show examples
, especially young
chilldren
Correct your spelling
children
 that would live with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
automation in their whole life. Up to the point,
children
 need playing outdoor to develop their
apptitube
Correct your spelling
aptitude
aptitudes
instead
 of playing computer at home and sitting in front of
screen
Add an article
a screen
the screen
show examples
 all day long, so I agree with the
stagement
Correct your spelling
statement
statements
 in the task. In the following paragraphs, I intend to outline the arguments of both
side
Change to a plural noun
sides
show examples
.
First
 and foremost, Playing video games
such
 as Play Station 5 and Xbox
also
 have advantages. Young
children
 can
also
 be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
genius of video games and make some contents to upload on Youtube, the
platfrom
Correct your spelling
platform
 to upload
video
Add an article
a video
the video
show examples
 that many people can watch to raise viewer, so they can make some money.
Nevertheless
,
There
Correct your spelling
there
show examples
 are some drawbacks to consider about the lack of
children
's development, which
children
 affected in society and emotion.
On the other hand
, playing outdoor
instead
 of playing computer is essential for
children
. To do outdoor activities are able
children
 to improve their development and IQ appropriately in their ages.
For example
, parents should take their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to go on vacation with them
such
 as
beach
Fix the agreement mistake
beaches
show examples
,
mountain
Fix the agreement mistake
mountains
show examples
 and
waterfall
Fix the agreement mistake
waterfalls
show examples
.
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 go to the park to do activities in the
kids
Change to a genitive case
kid's
kids'
show examples
 zone. After analysing both of views, parents should take care of time
manage
Replace the word
management
show examples
 for their
children
, which is not only spending time on screen but
also
 going outdoor to see the world. Those are for
adventages
Correct your spelling
advantages
 of
children
 development and
growing
Replace the word
growth
show examples
 to be
effectively
Replace the word
effective
show examples
 person.
Submitted by Kikikk on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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