IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays,
children
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's obesity is an ongoing and daunting problem.
And some
Correct word choice
Some
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 individuals believe that the
government
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 should take responsibility for
this
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 issue. I wholeheartedly agree with
this
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 statement. And in
this
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 essay, I will explain the reasons. The
government
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 is mainly responsible for
this
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 crisis, and the principal reason for it is that in recent years, it should have been providing sports programs
instead
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 of supporting the diverse and alluring advertisements about sugary and unhealthy foods on social media. Because, when these sugary products
advertise
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are advertised
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 through the Internet and various social applications, and even TV and radio,
children
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encourage
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are encouraged
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 to buy and eat them.
For example
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, diverse and stunning sorts of advertisements about chocolate
cand
Correct your spelling
can
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 persuade
children
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 more.
In addition
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, the
government
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 is
also
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 responsible for
this
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 difficulty, because it could not manage well-organized and beneficial sports programs for pupils in schools.
Thus
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, society especially
children
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 faced obesity in the few
last
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 years, and in the
long-term
Correct your spelling
long term
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,
this
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 will
have been
Wrong verb form
become
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 worse.
For instance
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, students should play sports for at least 2 hours per day and now it is less than 1 hour.
Moreover
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, one of the most indispensable duties of the
government
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 is to provide free and attainable facilities and equipment in
the
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apply
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public
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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 for
children
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.
Hence
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, it will be affordable for everyone to use them. To illustrate, there should be constructed facilities in parks or playgrounds to burn calories. In conclusion,
although
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 we are in a grave situation and it seems to need strenuous endeavour to deal with it, the
government
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 can with
viable
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a viable
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 plan tackle
this
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 disaster and alleviate it. In My view, only in
this
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 way can the
government
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 overcome
this
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 current predicament.

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task response
The essay addresses the issue but lacks a clear and comprehensive development of ideas. It needs more specific and relevant examples to support the main points.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is somewhat evident, but the introduction and conclusion are underdeveloped. Ensure that each paragraph's main idea logically connects to the next.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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