IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #government #responsibility
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays,
children
's obesity is an ongoing and daunting problem.
And some
Correct word choice
Some
show examples
 individuals believe that the
government
 should take responsibility for
this
 issue. I wholeheartedly agree with
this
 statement. And in
this
 essay, I will explain the reasons. The
government
 is mainly responsible for
this
 crisis, and the principal reason for it is that in recent years, it should have been providing sports programs
instead
 of supporting the diverse and alluring advertisements about sugary and unhealthy foods on social media. Because, when these sugary products
advertise
Wrong verb form
are advertised
show examples
 through the Internet and various social applications, and even TV and radio,
children
encourage
Wrong verb form
are encouraged
show examples
 to buy and eat them.
For example
, diverse and stunning sorts of advertisements about chocolate
cand
Correct your spelling
can
show examples
 persuade
children
 more.
In addition
, the
government
 is
also
 responsible for
this
 difficulty, because it could not manage well-organized and beneficial sports programs for pupils in schools.
Thus
, society especially
children
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 faced obesity in the few
last
 years, and in the
long-term
Correct your spelling
long term
show examples
,
this
 will
have been
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 worse.
For instance
, students should play sports for at least 2 hours per day and now it is less than 1 hour.
Moreover
, one of the most indispensable duties of the
government
 is to provide free and attainable facilities and equipment in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 for
children
.
Hence
, it will be affordable for everyone to use them. To illustrate, there should be constructed facilities in parks or playgrounds to burn calories. In conclusion,
although
 we are in a grave situation and it seems to need strenuous endeavour to deal with it, the
government
 can with
viable
Correct article usage
a viable
show examples
 plan tackle
this
 disaster and alleviate it. In My view, only in
this
 way can the
government
 overcome
this
 current predicament.
Submitted by nibbana333 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay addresses the issue but lacks a clear and comprehensive development of ideas. It needs more specific and relevant examples to support the main points.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is somewhat evident, but the introduction and conclusion are underdeveloped. Ensure that each paragraph's main idea logically connects to the next.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: