IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
High-level-
Correct your spelling
High-level sugar
show examples
sugar
products
 have gained more attention from the public for
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 detrimental effect on
people
's
health
. Someone even argues that the
price
 of these
products
 should be raised to discourage
people
 from purchasing them. Personally, I disagree with the idea because there are more viable ways to reach that. For a variety of reasons, it would be a wrong method to raise the
price
 of
products
 with high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
sugar
Change preposition
of sugar
show examples
.
Firstly
, increasing the prices cannot forbid
people
 from eating
sugar
. They can add more
sugar
 to their homemade food, leading to the same consequences that they still intake too much
sugar
.
Secondly
, it is unequal to the manufacturers because the high
price
 will reduce their sales which result in a loss of earnings. It is more crucial for the government to raise citizens’ awareness of
sugar
-caused
health
 problems. Few
people
 have realized the significance of living a
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 life, which makes them keep consuming sugary
products
. So the essential measure we should take is to deepen their understanding of
sugar
’s effects. Only when
people
 make changes, can they consciously avoid
health
 problems. They should take more courses about
health
 issues and choose a clean diet. Manufacturers should
also
 give strict restrictions
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
sugar
Correct article usage
the sugar
show examples
 content of every product. In the meantime, they are supposed to print the disadvantages of
sugar
 in the packages of their
products
. In conclusion, I believe it is more important to raise individual awareness of
sugar
-caused
health
 problems rather than setting a higher
price
 for sugary
products
. Efforts should be made by all, including
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals, manufacturers and governments.
Submitted by cookieelqy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: