IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the crime among teenagers is increasing because of violent video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crime #teenagers #video #games
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The effect of aggressive video
games
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 on youngsters has been a debatable issue. I think that video
games
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 play a significant role in diverting the mind of young ones towards anger and fights but it is not the only factor to be blamed.
To begin
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 with, it can be strongly argued that the growing minds are strongly influenced by what they see and do. Family issues can affect their brains to a large extent.
For instance
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, if they see debates and arguments between their family member they will definitely grow up like them.
Additionally
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, Action movies and
Tv
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TV
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 serials involve violent weapons and dangerous stunts. Teenagers try to perform these in real life which can lead to violence and accidence.
On the other hand
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, video
games
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 involve winning by harming the other side.
This
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 builds a feeling of hate and
dislikes
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dislike
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 for others.
For example
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, Pub G had led to the death of many children as they tried to do the things they learnt from the game in real life.
Further
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, the overuse of these computer
games
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also
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 decreases the social connection of kids and they face stress and depression as they stop sharing things with others. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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conclusion, I would say that PlayStations are responsible for bringing violence among youth to some extent. But there are other reasons like family issues and action movies which can be equally blamed. Young minds can be compared with mud pots which can be shaped as we want.
Therefore
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, parents should take care of what their children see and do.
Submitted by jogdeep8454 on

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task response
Provide more specific examples related to the effects of video games on teenagers.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and cohesive flow of ideas by using transition words and maintaining paragraph unity.
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