IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the crime among teenagers is increasing because of violent video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The effect of aggressive video
games
Use synonyms
 on youngsters has been a debatable issue. I think that video
games
Use synonyms
 play a significant role in diverting the
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 of young
ones
Check wording
people
show examples
 towards anger and fights
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 it is not the only factor to be blamed.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it can be strongly argued that the growing minds are strongly influenced by what they see and do. Family issues can affect their brains to a large extent.
For instance
Linking Words
, if they see debates and arguments between their family
member
Punctuation problem
member,
show examples
 they will definitely grow up like them.
Additionally
Linking Words
, Action movies and
Tv
Use the right word
TV
show examples
 serials involve violent weapons and dangerous stunts. Teenagers try to perform these in real life
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can lead to violence and
accidence
Use the right word
accidents
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, video
games
Use synonyms
 involve winning by harming the other side.
This
Linking Words
 builds a feeling of hate and
dislikes
Correct subject-verb agreement
dislike
show examples
 for others.
For example
Linking Words
,
Pub G
Correct your spelling
PUBG
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 led to the death of many children as they tried to do the things they learnt from the game in real life.
Further
Linking Words
, the overuse of these computer
games
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 decreases the social connection of kids
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they face stress and depression as they stop sharing things with others. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conclusion, I would say that
PlayStations
Fix the agreement mistake
PlayStation
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 responsible for bringing violence among youth to some extent. But there are other reasons
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 family issues and action movies
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can be equally blamed. Young minds can be compared with mud pots
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can be shaped as we want.
Therefore
Linking Words
, parents should take care of what their children see and do.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Be clear on your main view from the start and keep it steady. State your position once and back it with reasons.
coherence
Make each paragraph have one main idea and explain it. This helps the reader see your point.
coherence
Use linking words (first, next, also, but, therefore) to tie ideas together.
grammar
Check spell and grammar. Use correct tense and word form.
lexis
Use common, easy words. Simple sentences can be strong.
structure
End with a short restate of your view.
structure
The plan shows in intro, body and end.
content
The writer tries to show balance by giving other reasons.
content
There are real life links used as examples.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: