IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe that team sports are very important for children to succeed in their career, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #team #sports #children #career
It is often argued by some that there are many advantages for children to play
team
sports
 to prepare for their future jobs
while
 others do not agree. From my point of view, I do agree with
this
 idea. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both sides in detail. On the one hand, it is beneficial to offspring.
To begin
 with, they can learn to cope with their peers. To illustrate
this
, they may face conflicts
while
 playing physical activities as a
team
 and they need to solve those by themselves. On top of that, They are able to learn
time
 management skills.
For example
, because
team
sports
 are usually played at a certain
time
, they need to manage their
time
 in order to win.
On the other hand
, some drawbacks may arise
along with
 the aforementioned positive outcomes.
Firstly
, it may take up
time
 for children to study basic subjects
such
 as math, science, and history. As these are considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the most important
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 because they will be tested to enter universities, playing
sports
 may lead parents to worry and be unsatisfied with their studies.
Secondly
, children may get injured by playing
team
spots
Correct your spelling
sports
show examples
. From my experience, I once sprained my ankle during a
team
sports
 game, and I needed to stay home for a week.
To conclude
,
although
 there are some disadvantages, I personally believe that there are more benefits to kids. They are able to learn to cope with peers and
time
 management skills.
Therefore
, I do believe that it is beneficial to kids and their future workplaces.
Submitted by yyurienn on

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coherence and cohesion
Improve the introduction by clearly stating the two contrasting views and your opinion. Ensure a clear thesis statement.
task response
Include more specific examples and elaborate on the drawbacks of children playing team sports. This will strengthen your argument.

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