IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable job than to earn a lot of money. Others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #job #money #salary #life
Some people
believes
Change the verb form
believe
show examples
 that
work
 which is enjoyable is more significant than
work
 which gives a
lot
 of
money
 or many
opportunities
 in
work
life
,
while
 others disagree with
such
 an idea which
work
 giving a
lot
 of
opportunities
 resulting in a better
work
life
. From my perspective,
enjoyable
Add an article
an enjoyable
show examples
job
 which makes us become satisfied helps us feel more energetic and comfortable in the
work
.
On the contrary
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work
 which gives
a
Correct pronoun usage
us a
show examples
lot
 of
money
 or more
opportunities
 in
work
life
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
us
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
may cause us to feel uncomfortable and unhappy with
this
work
 because we have to spend so much time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
job
 duty until we complete
this
 working task.
Moreover
,
although
 the reward of
job
 performance of unenjoyable
work
 which we do not want to operate may provide a
lot
 of
money
 and several
opportunities
 more than jobs which we want to operate, it may have negative impacts on our physical and mental health, and it will become worse if the working environment is catastrophic.
Besides
, performing
job
Correct article usage
the job
show examples
 which we want to do will make us become more hard-working,
such
 as finding
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
specific knowledge and expanding our world horizon.
In contrast
, if we choose
job
Add an article
a job
the job
show examples
 which we do not want to do, it will have a negative
repercussion
Fix the agreement mistake
repercussions
show examples
 on
working
Add an article
the working
show examples
 atmosphere of our firm and other colleagues.
In addition
, the result of choosing
boring
Add an article
a boring
show examples
job
 is that we do not want to keep developing ourselves and find valuable knowledge for improving ourselves in order to provide a
lot
 of benefits to ourselves and our firm. In conclusion, from my point of view, I strongly agree with
idea
Correct article usage
the idea
show examples
 that we should choose enjoyable
work
 rather than
work
 which gives a
lot
 of benefits even if that
work
 will provide a better
life
 for us. the result of choosing enjoyable
work
 will make us feel enthusiastic, delightful, and enjoyable for working. The more you keep improving yourself, the more
job
title
Fix the agreement mistake
titles
show examples
 and
money
 you will get as well.
Submitted by boatakrawin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks proper organization and structure. Work on presenting a clear introduction and conclusion. Use appropriate linking words to improve coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Your essay partially addresses the task but lacks thorough development. Provide a more balanced discussion of both views and use relevant examples to support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: