IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Employers sometime ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#employers #people #jobs #information #hobbies #interests
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The topic of personal
information
Use synonyms
 has been controversial. Some people believe that
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 may be relevant and useful for the
company
Use synonyms
, whereas I agree with those who think that employers should ask only their
information
Use synonyms
 about ability, experience, skill, or attitude. On other hand, it is commonly believed that personal
information
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 might be significant for
applying
Add the preposition
forapplying
show examples
 a job. One of the most important reasons is that employee’s privet
information
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allow
Change the verb form
allows
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employer
Add an article
the employer
an employer
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 to understand worker
needed
Wrong verb form
needs
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 since they can provide things like equipment
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 workers normally use or facilities
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 may be useful for them.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the latest survey conducted by Bangkok University,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
revealed that 80% of workers who work in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
big
company
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 in Thailand tend to be happy with their
company
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 to share personal
information
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. Having said that
this
Linking Words
information
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 plays a major role in their work.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it seems to me that employers should ask only their
information
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 about ability, experience, skill, or attitude. The most significant reason is the fact employee’s personal details should be
privacy
Replace the word
private
show examples
.
This
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 is because
this
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 kind of
information
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 may be unnecessary for the
company
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 if the
company
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 doesn’t use it. To illustrate
this
Linking Words
, in recent news, it has been reported that
worker’s
Fix the agreement mistake
workers’
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information
Use synonyms
 has been
transpire
Change the verb form
transpiring
transpired
show examples
 70% per year. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 point because if companies
unable
Add a missing verb
are unable
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 to
maintenance
Replace the word
maintain
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 their employee’s
information
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 they should ask
personal
Change preposition
for personal
show examples
 details
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
. In conclusion, having considered both sides of
this
Linking Words
 issue,
although
Linking Words
 personal
information
Use synonyms
 might be significant for
applying
Add the preposition
forapplying
show examples
 a job, I agree with those who think that employers should ask only their
information
Use synonyms
 that
important
Add a missing verb
is important
show examples
 about the job.
Submitted by fon9sk on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • job application
  • personal information
  • hobbies and interests
  • marital status
  • relevant
  • useful
  • privacy
  • assessing candidates
  • qualifications
  • experience
What to do next:
Look at other essays: