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Band 5

Some businesses now say that no-one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices some governments have banned smoking in all public places. Do you agree or disagree with this?

#businesses #smoke #cigarettes #offices #governments #places
There is no doubt that
people
 should avoid the factors that
cause
 problems in the workspace. Today, some trades and governments have been forbidding smoking in offices and public places. I strongly agree with
this
 view because not smoking improves
people
’s health and cleans the
air
 in the workplace.
First
 and foremost, the numbers of
people
 who
smoke
 have
increase
Change the verb form
increased
show examples
over the years.
Although
 they are equipped with the knowledge of how
smoke
 can harm the body,
people
 have been choosing
smoke
Fix the infinitive
to smoke
show examples
. Smoking
cause
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
heart attack and lots of
disease
Change to a plural noun
diseases
show examples
so it has been damaging everybody. I recall that my father’s friend died of a heart attack , he was smoking a lot. Doctors said the
cause
 of his death was smoking too much.
Also
people
Add the comma(s)
,people
show examples
that
Correct word choice
who
show examples
smoke
 cigarettes
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
are wasting their money , they can spend
this
 money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
entertainment and fun
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
their families and themselves which
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be important to improve
better
Add an article
the better
a better
show examples
 emotional
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
.
Moreover
, governments should promote
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy
air
 in place
work
Change preposition
of work
show examples
 . Pollution in
big
Add an article
a big
the big
show examples
city
Fix the agreement mistake
cities
show examples
is dangerous and cigarette
smoke
 in public places is the worst. It
also
 affects all the
people
 around those who
smoke
 because when
people
smoke
 in public the
smoke
 travels everywhere through the
air
, and
it
Change the pronoun
its
show examples
negative effects of
this
smoke
Correct subject-verb agreement
affect
show examples
affects
Correct your spelling
effects
show examples
 all living, breathing and
finally
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
harass others. If the current situation continues, the health of many
people
 will remain in danger. In conclusion, by disallowing
people
 who
smoke
 from smoking in public,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will
cause
Add an article
the smoker
a smoker
show examples
smoker
Fix the agreement mistake
smokers
show examples
 to smokeless, in good circumstances, improving
people
’s health and
cleans
Wrong verb form
cleaning
show examples
air
Add an article
the air
show examples
 in
public
Add an article
a public
show examples
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
.
Submitted by hooman_hz121 on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • second-hand smoke
  • respiratory diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • productivity
  • fire hazards
  • environmental advantages
  • aesthetics
  • non-smokers
  • personal freedom
  • well-being
  • smoking bans
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