IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that the government should be responsible for crime prevention while others believe that it is the responsibility of the individuals to protect themselves. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #government #crime #prevention #responsibility #individuals
Introduction It
is argue
Change the verb form
is argued
show examples
 that it is
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 responsibility to take action
with
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime
prevention
 while some
people's
Change noun form
people
show examples
 opinion states that
people
 should know how to protect themselves from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
criminals. In
this
 essay, both mentioned views will be discussed. It is important that
government
 must focus on
this
 problem because it is related to
people
's daily life.
bureaucratic
Add an article
the bureaucratic
show examples
 sector is the one which can issue
prevention
 measures because of its authority. There is
long-term
Add an article
a long-term
show examples
 solution that the sector could advocate. One is to support
educational
Add an article
the educational
show examples
 system.
This
 is crucial because when a good education is provided to children,
this
 simple solution could sustainably prevent those young
people
 from being bad
people
.
Hence
, it is important that the problem of
crime
Add an article
the crime
show examples
 must be focused
by
Change preposition
on by
show examples
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
. Even though the
government
 fully supports
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
laws and penalties, in some situations,
people
 still need to protect themselves from unexpected situations. Sometimes, when the populaces walk during the
night time
Correct your spelling
nighttime
show examples
, the cruel
people
 are likely to
be appear
Change the verb form
appear
show examples
anytime
Change preposition
at anytime
show examples
.
Hence
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
educating
Replace the word
education
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
them in
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the methods of physical
preventing
Replace the word
prevention
show examples
 by themselves is
also
 crucial.
Moreover
,
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
 institute profoundly plays
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 significant role
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 criminal
prevention
 because
this
 institute is the one which is able to teach
people
 since they
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 young. As mentioned,
this
 is
also
 a long-term solution for
crime
prevention
.
Thus
,
people
 should know how to protect
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
from criminals and reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime
. In conclusion, the
government
 should deliberately focus on the problem of
crime
 because it is directly related to social life.
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
people
 should practice themselves from invasion because of unexpected
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
.
Submitted by suppawich.p on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: