IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children's development than playing computer games. What extent do you agree or disagree.

It is argued that
children
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 had better spend most of their time playing outdoor
games
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instead
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 of indoor
games
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. I
also
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 agree with
this
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 statement that doing physical
activities
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 has countless benefits for
children
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's growth. 
Firstly
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, participation in outdoor
activities
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 improves
children
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's health.
In other words
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, should
children
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 invest maximum hours in exercise outdoors, they will breathe in
fresh
Add an article
the fresh
show examples
 air, which helps to improve their immune system.
Also
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, these days ,
children
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face
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 obesity issues ,so outdoor
activities
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 can help to prevent
this
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 problem.
Consequently
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, Outdoor
games
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 are more important for
children
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's development.
This
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 is because physical fitness has become a key factor in
children
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's lives.
For example
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,  a survey conducted by Oxford University, with the help of school students who do outdoor
activities
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 in their daily routine found that they are more creative and fit as compared to other students. 
Moreover
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, outdoor
activities
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 not only enhance physical fitness but
also
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 interpersonal skills. To explain it, when
children
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 play outside,
then
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 they can interact
face
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 to
face
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 with other people .
Hence
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, these situations can teach them lots of things
such
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 as communication skills, cooperation  and teamwork, which can be useful in their future professional life .
As a result
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, if
children
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 spend more time on computer
games
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,
then
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 they will  
deprived
Change the verb form
be deprived
show examples
 of these benefits and
also
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face
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 some help issues,
such
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 as
overweight
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being overweight
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 and eyesight problems.
Thus
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, young people can save precious time by investing in outdoor
activities
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 . In conclusion , I believe that but for outdoor
games
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,
children
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 cannot progress in their personal and professional life.

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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