Some people think young people should follow the traditions of their society. Others think that they should be free to behave as individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Preservation of traditional
culture
has been a controversial topic for a century, that teenagers should conserve the local custom, differently, some
people
consider it as the personal behaviour. In my point of view, I totally agree with the statement that the traditional way of
life
deserves to be sustained by the new generation because if the local
culture
is not maintained, it will definitely become extinct.
Furthermore
, the world might lose the diversity of civilization. Nowadays, some customs are scrutinised as
hazardousness
Replace the word
hazardous
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to
life
and the environment,
this
Correct word choice
and this
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encourages
people
to behave differently from their
culture
, as proof, the Indian government legislated several beliefs illegal
such
as child marriage.
In addition
, Some traditions are obsolete because of the
complication
Fix the agreement mistake
complications
show examples
of the procedure.
For instance
, in Thailand, on the Songkran holiday, bringing sand to the temple is rarely seen
due to
the intricacy of shipping the sand.
Although
technological development leads
people
to access information conveniently, teenagers catch up with worldwide trends more easily but the loss of local
culture
should be considered thoroughly ,
otherwise
, the extinction of custom has occurred globally.
For example
, in Japan, the traditional way of
life
has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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disappeared slightly because of the Western inclination
such
as the outfit that Japanese
people
changed to wearing suits
instead
of the yukata,
thus
, the majority of them do not know how to wear the yukata, the estimated result is that in the future none of them can use the national dress.
Moreover
,
this
circumstance might cause civilisation to have less diversity. Conservation is necessary to be conducted properly by the governments to continue the variousness of
life
. In conclusion, even though being on trend is a crucial thought to live comfortably and reduce some unfair situations, it
also
affects the
difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
show examples
between humanity, somehow.
Submitted by chosita1995 on

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task response
The essay provides a somewhat clear response to the task, but the arguments lack depth and development. More thorough analysis and evaluation of both views is needed to fully address the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. These sections should provide a concise overview of the topic and a summary of the main points. Additionally, the essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences and logical progression of ideas within paragraphs to enhance cohesion.

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