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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think young people should follow the traditions of their society. Others think that they should be free to behave as individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #traditions #society #individuals
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Preservation of traditional
culture
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 has been a controversial topic for a century, that teenagers should conserve the local custom, differently, some
people
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 consider it as the personal behaviour. In my point of view, I totally agree with the statement that the traditional way of
life
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 deserves to be sustained by the new generation because if the local
culture
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 is not maintained, it will definitely become extinct.
Furthermore
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, the world might lose the diversity of civilization. Nowadays, some customs are scrutinised as
hazardousness
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hazardous
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 to
life
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 and the environment,
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this
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and this
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 encourages
people
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 to behave differently from their
culture
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, as proof, the Indian government legislated several beliefs illegal
such
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 as child marriage.
In addition
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, Some traditions are obsolete because of the
complication
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complications
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 of the procedure.
For instance
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, in Thailand, on the Songkran holiday, bringing sand to the temple is rarely seen
due to
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 the intricacy of shipping the sand.
Although
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 technological development leads
people
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 to access information conveniently, teenagers catch up with worldwide trends more easily but the loss of local
culture
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 should be considered thoroughly ,
otherwise
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, the extinction of custom has occurred globally.
For example
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, in Japan, the traditional way of
life
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 has
been
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apply
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disappeared slightly because of the Western inclination
such
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 as the outfit that Japanese
people
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 changed to wearing suits
instead
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 of the yukata,
thus
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, the majority of them do not know how to wear the yukata, the estimated result is that in the future none of them can use the national dress.
Moreover
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,
this
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 circumstance might cause civilisation to have less diversity. Conservation is necessary to be conducted properly by the governments to continue the variousness of
life
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. In conclusion, even though being on trend is a crucial thought to live comfortably and reduce some unfair situations, it
also
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 affects the
difference
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differences
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 between humanity, somehow.
Submitted by chosita1995 on

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task response
The essay provides a somewhat clear response to the task, but the arguments lack depth and development. More thorough analysis and evaluation of both views is needed to fully address the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. These sections should provide a concise overview of the topic and a summary of the main points. Additionally, the essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences and logical progression of ideas within paragraphs to enhance cohesion.
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