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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The charts below show that UK graduate and post graduate students who did not go into full time work after leaving college in 2008

The charts below show that UK graduate and post graduate students who did not go into full time work after leaving college in 2008
#show #uk #graduate #post #students #time #work #college
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The given bat charks below indicate, the population of
students
Use synonyms
 who are studying for bachelor's and masters and starting an occupation but not full-time in their free time which they are not in college in 2008. The first chart which is shown the number of graduate collegian par what they do , it is obvious ,
Further
Linking Words
 study dedicated a massive number which
its
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 nearly 30.000 population.
then
Linking Words
 with a considerable
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
difference
Add a comma
,difference
show examples
 it can be seen
part-time
Change preposition
in part-time
show examples
work
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
is about 18.000
students
Use synonyms
. unemployment has taken
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
third
Linking Words
 place with a shade of part-time
work
Use synonyms
Change preposition
of
show examples
approximately 16.000 people, and the lowest mounts it's for voluntary
work
Use synonyms
 with a number of 3,500. in the
second
Linking Words
 paragraph, it can be seen that
further
Linking Words
 study and part-time
work
Use synonyms
 are more popular and respectively 2,725 and 2,535
students
Use synonyms
 are working there.
Then
Linking Words
 there is unemployment and voluntary
work
Use synonyms
 which is more or less 2,000 in total. In conclusion, in spite of the fact that the bars in comparison to the above chart are
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the same older the student population has an enormous downfall which means postgraduate
students
Use synonyms
 are less inclined to
work
Use synonyms
 part-time.
Submitted by kosar  on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, work with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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