IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar which causes many health problem. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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It is argued by some that
food
Use synonyms
 substances containing added sugar ought to be exorbitant to inspire
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
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 to reduce
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 intake. In my opinion, I agree that
food
Use synonyms
 being high-priced to minimize the devouring is beneficial.
Firstly
Linking Words
, increasing the price of sweetened
products
Use synonyms
 is justifiable as it causes several health issues.
This
Linking Words
 is because the
food
Use synonyms
 items contain a large
amount
Change the quantifier
number
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 of calories with no
nutrient
Fix the agreement mistake
nutrients
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.
Also
Linking Words
, people do not have the feeling of fullness
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
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 to when a healthy diet is consumed.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they crave
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more sweet things and other
food
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 increasing their daily ingestion of
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 which may result in obesity. To illustrate, in Nigeria, the most readily available sweetened drinks
such
Linking Words
 as Fanta
contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
show examples
 11tablespoons of sugar, which exceeded the recommended daily
reauirement
Correct your spelling
requirement
 of added sugar in
diet
Add an article
the diet
show examples
. When an individual
take
Change the verb form
takes
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sweet drinks
in addition
Linking Words
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 other regular diets, it increases the risk of obesity. For
this
Linking Words
 reason, sweet things lower the quality of life of a person and affect the society's economy
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the long run.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it provokes the desire to be informed about the content of the
food
Use synonyms
 substance.
In other words
Linking Words
, the expensive prices of the items would make
populace
Correct article usage
the populace
show examples
 ponder
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
thd
Correct your spelling
the
 things they are about to purchase. It is in human nature to wish to have
an in-depth knowledge
Remove the article
in-depth knowledge
a piece of in-depth knowledge
show examples
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 what they are procuring with their
hard earned
Add a hyphen
hard-earned
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 money.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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 tend to weigh the benefit and the risk of the commodity and sometimes, seek
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
products
Use synonyms
 that are cheaper and healthier.
Thus
Linking Words
, assisting them
make
Add the particle
to make
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right choice in selection. Admittedly, it is true that people have the freedom of choice and should not be coerced to change their
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
. As some people ingest those
products
Use synonyms
 when on a treat or after a hectic day to refresh themselves.
However
Linking Words
, there is a need to restrict the ingestion because it has a detrimental effect on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health. In conclusion, limitation on sweetened items is a necessity for any individual that values improved
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
 and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 the readiness to change unhealthy practices.
Submitted by hydheraa on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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