IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your opinion.

#children #computers #entertainment #time #sports #games
In the modern era, many youngsters are spending more and more time to
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 computers, as well as,
a mobile phones
Correct the article-noun agreement
mobile phones
a mobile phone
show examples
. In the present day, we have to motivate the children to play outdoor
games
instead
 of mobile or computer
games
. I strongly agree with
this
 statement and I will discuss it in the upcoming paragraph with my opinion.
To begin
 with, nowadays, for live happy and for fitness, the number of people plays
such
 kind of
sports
 activities and it is
also
 kept healthy our body and life.
For example
, we know about some kinds of outdoor
games
likewise
 cricket, football, tennis and so on. In
this
 ,game any kind of exercise includes running and walking.
However
, while we play
this
 game,
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
exercise
also
 occurs simultaneously.
As a result
, We keep fit and healthy.
In addition
, the pupils place board
games
 so that they get some freshness and feel energetic.
Consequently
, they can concentrate on their work
such
 as their study.
Furthermore
, sometimes people don't know about his skill.
For instance
, Indian cricketer Sachin Tendulkar
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
belongs
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
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 poor family, but
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has
Correct article usage
a keen
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keen
Correct your spelling
been
show examples
interested
Replace the word
interest
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cricket.
Therefore
, he was playing
this
 game during the nighttime or
Change preposition
in a
show examples
a
Change the word
his
show examples
 free time.
As a result
, nowadays he is the God of cricket and everyone knows him. So that,
sports
 activity is helpful in our life. In a contrast, several people are playing
a mobile
Correct the article-noun agreement
mobile games
a mobile game
show examples
games
 and using their computers. After a long
duration
Add a comma
,duration
show examples
 It can
harmful
Replace the word
harm
show examples
our
Change preposition
to our
show examples
 eyesight. To conclude, I suppose, outside activities
such
 as
sports
games
 are more beneficial as compared to indoor
games
. These
sports
 make a healthy lifestyle in the future.
Submitted by shrikunjrana0612 on

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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