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Band 4.5

These days many children spend a lot of time playing video games and many parents feel this is very negative. Do you agree or disagree?

#children #time #video #games #parents
The virtual entertainment industry
leaps
Add a missing verb
has leaps
show examples
 and bounds over the
last
 two decades. Parents
however
 believe that
this
 creates a negative impact on
children
's
life
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 and I completely agree with them. In
this
 ,
essay
Add an article
an essay
the essay
show examples
 I will discuss the cons of playing video
games
 with relevant examples.
First
 and foremost, video
games
 are designed in a way to attract people and the most vulnerable are the
children
. As they feel connected to the virtual
world
, it creates an adverse effect on their relationship with the outside
world
. ,
Consequently
Add a comma
,Consequently
show examples
 it will affect the interpersonal skills of the players.To exemplify
this
, my son enjoys playing
games
 with his iPad, laptop and tablet more than anything,
Thus
 he does not have
interest
Correct article usage
an interest
show examples
 in communicating with us or joining us for a meal.
Such
 lonely behaviour will
also
 increase stress
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and depression among
children
 as they do have any close relations with the outside
world
. Based on recent studies, the teen suicide rate had increased substantially over the
last
 two decades.
Secondly
, virtual entertainment
also
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a negative effect on education as
children
 stay up until late at night and they will be exhausted to
Correct your spelling
attend
attent
Correct your spelling
attend
 school or pay attention to studies.
Subsequently
,
this
 will lower their grades.
Additionally
, playing online
games
 results in health conditions
such
 as obesity and diabetes.
Healthy
Add an article
A healthy
show examples
life
 will result in a happy
life
, but pupils with
such
 addictions do not have any interest to go outside and play.
For instance
, based on recent studies
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the
World
 Health Organization (WHO), more than thirty per cent of the pupils are less active and
therefore
 suffer from mentioned diseases from a young age. In conclusion, it is clear that even though video
games
 are a great source of entertainment it brings no positive impact on youngsters'
life
.
Thus
 they should be banned or the parents should limit
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 usage.
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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