IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

ou should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinions on this? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experienc

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Nowadays, in many regions, more teens take part in working. Some people argue that it is worthwhile for teenagers ,and they can cultivate their skills and have responsibility . In
this
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 essay, I agree with it. People believe that children shouldn’t take up paid work because it cuts juveniles off their childhood.
Furthermore
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, they spend all their
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
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working and studying. They almost lose their childhood.
For example
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,
a
Remove the article
apply
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research reveals that child models’ whole day is divided into
three
Add a hyphen
three-time
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time
Use synonyms
 groups. The
first
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 is 8 hours for schooling, the
second
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 is 5 hours for working. And
the
Correct your spelling
they
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remain
Change the verb form
remaining
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 one is for their leisure
time
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. It means that they have a few entertainment activities like making friends and playing. It really affects their mental health and their personal
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
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.
However
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, if teenagers take up jobs, they can build
a
Correct article usage
apply
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solid value. To be specific, they can understand how they save or spend their money.
For example
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, some findings show that adolescents who are working become more thrifty than their peers. On top of that, juveniles can master skills
such
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 as leadership skills.
For example
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, competitive schools are
not
Correct your spelling
no
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 longer
focus
Wrong verb form
focused
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 on academics, and they are looking for leaders. People who like
this
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 can get more excellent university offers. In conclusion, when children enter the workplace, they might feel tired and they have less
time
Use synonyms
 to
relaxed
Wrong verb form
relax
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.
However
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, I believe that they can learn about how to save money. In
additional
Replace the word
addition
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, their work experience makes them become more competitive. They can get more opportunities.

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