IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinions on this? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#children #games #reason #violence #crime #cities #world
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There is no doubt that these days that
violent
Replace the word
violence
show examples
 and crimes
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 increasing
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our planet, the question is, is violent
games
Use synonyms
 impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 which
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
Correct article usage
a raise
show examples
raise
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
 in crimes in the world? In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
 I am going to write my own opinion and draw
conclusion
Add an article
a conclusion
show examples
. In terms of
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
, that violent
games
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 impacting on
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 and become
their
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 cruel
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 social relationships. The main reason given to support
this
Linking Words
 claim is
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 lack of
children
Use synonyms
 of supervision from parents and from all people who are directly related to them. To illustrate,
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
children
Use synonyms
goes
Change the verb form
go
show examples
 to buy
videos
Change the noun form
video
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 from a shop without asking them about their ages. In
other word
Change the wording
another word
other words
show examples
,
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 feel exciting due to, they play
a violent
Correct the article-noun agreement
violent games
a violent game
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 and a young child will think what happens on the screen could be done in real life.
However
Linking Words
,
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
parents are not
only
Correct article usage
the only
show examples
 ones responsible for
children
Use synonyms
’s easy access to violent
games
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
governments
Add an article
the governments
show examples
 have not taken
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
serious steps to reduce
effect
Add an article
the effect
show examples
 of violent
games
Use synonyms
 on
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
In other words
Linking Words
, some company that produces violent toys
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
influence parliaments so that no legislation is issued a specific age on violent
games
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, there are no
companies’
Change noun form
companies
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
that produces
show examples
produces
Correct subject-verb agreement
produce
show examples
 fun
games
Use synonyms
 suitable for
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
 of
children
Use synonyms
 to compare other companies which
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 young people to like violent
games
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 these
games
Use synonyms
 affects on feelings
adults
Change preposition
of adults
show examples
, let alone
children
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 we have to introduce some
games
Use synonyms
 that held our
Use synonyms
Correct your spelling
children's
children’s
Change noun form
children
show examples
’ to avoid
violent
Change the adjective
violently
show examples
Submitted by alruhaimi6 on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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