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Band 5.5

Young people do not spend their holiday and weekend doing outdoor activities like hiking and climbing in natural environment. Why? And how to encourage them to go out？

#people #holiday #weekend #activities #environment #out？
It is true that nowadays young
people
 would rather stay at home playing video games or watching movies than travel outdoors. some seasons are responsible for the issue and
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 can play a significant role
to tackle
Change preposition
in tackling
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this
. There are several major reasons which are responsible for why teenagers and young men are not willing to go out when they are available,
such
 as the changing of lifestyle,
as well as
 a rise in the cost of travelling. To start with, a lack of time and energy mainly
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
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 in young
people
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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no longer being keen on sports outdoors. Because
due to
 the increasing competition and pressure in societies, particularly in
metropolis
Correct your spelling
metropolises
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, most
of
Change preposition
apply
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young
people
, including teenagers and young adults, have to concentrate on their studying and working.
Furthermore
, with the development of urbanization and pollution of the natural environment near cities, it is relatively hard for the fans of outdoor sports,
such
 as cycling, hiking and climbing to find perfect places in or around under areas so they have to spend more money on travelling to find a better place.
Consequently
, a rise in cost stops these young
people
 from regular exercising. Obviously, authorities can take steps to deal with these problems.
Firstly
, education systems can add exercising performance of teenagers as a standard for getting higher education,
this
 may encourage students to spend more time exercising. Another necessary measure is to build more public infrastructure to provide access to the natural environment.
For instance
, investment in specific paths of cycling linked urban areas and countryside and public transport to natural spots.
Moreover
, In conclusion, there are many reasons for young
people
 prefer staying indoors rather than exercising outdoors. At the same time, governments are expecting to take action to handle
this
 issue.
Submitted by alexpan1027 on

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task response
The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing reasons why young people prefer indoor activities over outdoor activities and suggesting ways to encourage them to go out.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing reasons, and solutions, as well as a brief conclusion. However, some points could be further developed and connected more logically.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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