IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

When a new town is planned, it is more important to develop public parks and sports facilities than shopping centers for people to spend their time in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#town #parks #sports #facilities #centers #people #time
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Nowadays, during developing a new town there are many challenges occur in front of the government and citizens. Some
people
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 believe that developing public
sports
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facilities
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 and parks are more important than shopping centres for
people
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 to spend their leisure time there. I strongly agree with
this
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 statement and I think that developing public parks and
sports
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 things are more crucial
along with
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 malls playing a great role in public life and I will explain my reasons for it in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, in big
cities
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cities,
show examples
people
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 are challenging many environmental problems
such
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 as pollution and other difficulties and for that reason, if the government will build more open spaces and
sports
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facilities
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then
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 it will
beneficial
Add a missing verb
be beneficial
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 for the community to live in a clear climate.
For example
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, Delhi, the capital of India, has many free public parks
along with
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sports
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facilities
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 for citizens, which help local
people
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 to exercise their bodies on
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
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 basis.
Furthermore
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, developing free
sports
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facilities
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 in town areas will affect positively workers who have a busy schedule,
this
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 is because with the help of free
sports
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facilities
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 and open
spaces
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spaces,
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 they can spend their leisure time and calm their brain in these areas.
Also
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, it cannot be neglected the importance of commercial centres during planning a city,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is because from malls and
near
Correct word choice
nearby
show examples
shops
Add a comma
shops,
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 individuals can fulfil their household
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
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 very efficiently.
For example
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, women can buy home ingredients from nearby shops very easily in big cities and for that reason, they do not need to cover a large distance for small things.
Furthermore
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, from malls and shops, the authority can earn a lot of taxes which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 helpful for one country's economic growth.
To conclude
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, in my opinion, I think that both sectors are important for the community because developing free open spaces and
sports
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 playgrounds for the public, helps them to be fit and healthy.
However
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, the government should
also
Linking Words
 develop new shopping centres.
Submitted by azone2646 on

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task response
Ensure that the essay directly addresses the prompt and fully develops the reasons for the position taken. Provide a more balanced view, acknowledging the importance of shopping centers as well.
coherence cohesion
Organize the essay in a more coherent manner. Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph, and ensure that ideas are linked together more effectively.
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