IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree? You should write at least 250 words.

#minutes #people #activities #children’s #development #computer #games
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Technology
Add an article
The technology
show examples
 resulted in new life strategies that were not available before, Children nowadays are obsessed with spending their day playing computer games,
then
 going outside and enjoying themselves with their friends. In my opinion, I think with no doubt, that outdoor activities
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 so important in developing children's personalities and
skills
.
Firstly
, Communication
skills
 are not something easy to improve. Nowadays, statistics are showing that children who are spending more of their
present
Replace the word
presence
show examples
 alone rather than spending their free time with their friends are facing a lot of psychological problems and especially when communicating with foreigners.
For example
, offspring now from the pace they come back from school, they are using their mobiles for playing video games , they are not communicating with others , and not even talking to their family,
this
 will result in poor communicating
skills
 that will affect their life in the future.
On the other hand
, spending much
life
Change preposition
of life
show examples
 looking at a digital screen rather than doing outdoor activities
such
 as football will result in extreme overweight, which will affect their health over age. Cholesterol
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and heart diseases are some results of the loss of movement, and heir at an early age,
shouldn't
Correct pronoun usage
one shouldn't
show examples
 get used to it. In conclusion, I believe that scion should always be forced to go outside the video
games
Change the noun form
game
show examples
 zone, they should be involved in activities that grow up their personality and improve their
skills
.
Submitted by ayoub.mehdi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: