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Band 4.5

An increasing trend nowadays is for young adults to olay computer games. Some people say this is a negative development. Discuss and give your opinion.

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Introduction
In
this
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 contemporary epoch,
computer
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games
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 have become the most important thing to do in our leisure
time
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. whilst proponents believe that
adults
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 are consuming more
time
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 playing
computer
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games
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, opponents have a diverse view.
However
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, I am a staunch believer that those
games
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 have a negative
effect
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 on us, especially on our health and our welfare. In
this
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 essay, my contention will be
further
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 explained.
Body paragraph 1
In the beginning, neuroscientists believe that older people who play
computer
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games
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 can develop better reflexes in their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
In other words
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, if an adult plays
computer
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games
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 for 3 hours on
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
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 basis, he may have a better reflex toward any critical situation in his life.
This
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 happens because these
games
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, especially First To Shoot
games
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 need better concentration which will lead to a better reflex. An eminent example is Shroud, who is the best player in the world who plays First To Shoot
games
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, who has 10 milliseconds reflex, as he always plays these types of
games
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, and he is always in consistent training.
Hence
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, what can be said is that when
adults
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 use
computer
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games
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, they can
play
Verb problem
have
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 a paramount
effect
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 on their health.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
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, opponents and I hold the belief that
computer
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games
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 have a detrimental
effect
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 on older people. To clarify, if
adults
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 consume more
time
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 playing
games
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,
this
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 will have a malignant
effect
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 on their welfare, as they will pay a plethora of money to buy released
games
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. A salient example is
adults
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 in Egypt who spend about half of their money on buying new
games
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.
Furthermore
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, these
games
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 will consume a plethora of their
time
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, as they will stay long nights to play these
games
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.
This
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 will have a deleterious
effect
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 on their work, as they will not be able to wake up early to go to their work.
Therefore
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, the
computer
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games
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 which are played by
adults
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 can have a negative
effect
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 on their lives.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
after
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this
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 essay has manifested the above-mentioned points, it has been commonly assumed that the demerits of
computer
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games
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 outweigh their merits. I believe that
although
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computer
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games
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 are played in leisure
time
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, they can consume our
time
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 and money,

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure needs improvement. There are issues with the introduction and conclusion. Work on clearly presenting and supporting main points.
task achievement
The essay does not completely respond to the task question. The ideas are not fully developed, and examples are not consistently relevant.
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