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Band 6.5

39. Societies that do not respect and honor their women can never make progress. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#societies #respect #honor #women #progress
Human rights are now essential components of every nation's way of life. One of them is a woman who is still developing who is currently. In reality, every country should recognise
this
 freedom, but some refuse.
For instance
, in some cultures, women are expected to stay at home and care for the family. Men should have an obligation to perform in
this
 area. In my inspection, I completely concur with the topic, and in
this
 essay, I'll explain why in the paragraph
after
this
. Women used to only have to take care of the household and the children, with no need to go to school.
Nevertheless
, education is important for
people
 of all genders. Everyone needs a decent education to succeed in life.
Furthermore
, some traditional families care for their daughter less than their son because the son will eventually land a solid career
while
 the daughter has recently wed into the family of another son. The fact that they are girls does not make it fair for her
for
this
 reason.
People
 have recently attempted to force women into having full access to the globe. Human rights are fundamental rights that every citizen should have from birth. It does not rely on your gender or what is meant by "equality."
Therefore
, if there isn't equality in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, you're stuck in the past and civilisation hasn't advanced at all. In conclusion, many countries now recognise the right to gender equality. What you can or cannot do is not determined by your sexual orientation.
People
 should respect other
people
 since it is a fundamental virtue that we should all uphold from the moment we are born.
Submitted by wow_woo_waa on

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Relevancy
It's clear you have decent knowledge of the topic, but your essay lacks specificity. It would improve your score if you provided more tangible and relevant examples.
Introduction and Conclusion
Though the introduction and conclusion are present, it's essential that these parts are strong and clearly define your main argument. The introduction should be a preview of your discussion points, and your conclusion must succinctly summarize your arguments
Elaboration
Your sentences often seem vague or too general. Your points need further explanation and depth. Providing more details and explaining your ideas better will not only increase readability but also show a thorough understanding of the topic.
Structure
Your essay would benefit from a more logical structure. Keep in mind to introduce one idea per paragraph and expand on it before moving on to the next. Your current structure seems a bit jumbled and lacks coherency.
Cohesion
Ensure there's a clear connection and transition between your paragraphs. Cohesion markers such as 'however,' 'therefore,' and 'consequently' among others can help establish these connections.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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