IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that government funding should not be used for supporting Art & culture, while others think that supporting cultural activities may be beneficial for the population and the culture. Discuss both views and give your own openion.

#people #government #art #culture #activities #population #openion
Many
people
 think
art
 should not
fund
Wrong verb form
be funded
show examples
 by the government,
while
 some believe supporting culture is highly important for the nation and the population. In my opinion, I believe that
although
art
 has some benefits for the community and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is one of the core of the country's development,
overall
 funding
art
 means less money for more crucial issues like health or transportation. One key benefit is that
art
 is educational.
Art
 improves children's ability to express themselves,
while
 it
also
 increases their imagination and creativity.
Art
 enables
people
 to interact with their environment, to be more sensitive to what is happening around them, to think freely and to express themselves freely. The most effective way to reach beauty is
art
.
Thus
,
art
 beautifies life and adds value to
people
 and their environment. That's why encouraging
Art
 with expenses,
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
show examples
 these values and
this
 improves the quality of
people
's lives.
Conversely
, some insist that there are many vital fields to funding
instead
 of
Art
. If the national budget
spends
Wrong verb form
is spent
show examples
 on
Art
, it can lead to chaos especially in developing countries as their needs are mostly about medicine, food and energy sources.
For instance
, Iranian
people
made
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
protest
Replace the word
protested
show examples
 for a week after their major paid a fortune for a painting for the purpose of putting it in a public museum in 2016. I
also
 think that the countries that have employment problems should use their budget for opening factories or developing hospitals inquiries would be more functional for the community. In conclusion,
while
art
 is educational and has positive effects on the community, funding it by the government is not necessary. In my opinion, these funds should
use
Wrong verb form
be used
show examples
 for better purposes.
Submitted by drsoguzhan on

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task response
Ensure that all points directly relate to the topic question. Address both views thoroughly and provide a clear opinion on the matter.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant. Work on creating a more coherent and cohesive structure between paragraphs to improve the overall flow of ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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