IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

When the time comes to commence full-time employment, individuals who have graduated from university deserve a higher salary than those who have not. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#time #employment #individuals #university #salary
Some
people
said
Wrong verb form
say
show examples
 that workers, who have a
degree
, should gain a salary higher than employees, who
are
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not. In
this
 controversy, I partially agree with
this
 statement because graduated
people
 are guaranteed that they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 learning.
However
,
leaders
 should be focusing on other things. Undeniably, employees, who have finished university, have evidence that they are learning in needed fields. Not only in theoretical terms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 in practical terms.
For example
, my friend, who graduated with a computer science
degree
, used to do a laboratory of IT security before getting a job. When he works, he shows his potential and becomes a senior position faster than
people
, who have no computer-related field
degree
.
Thus
, workers, who have certifications, are guaranteed that they learned many things that relate to their fields.
In contrast
,
leaders
, in a job place, should focus on things,
that
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 more important than a
degree
, including the experience and the result of an individual person. In an interview, judgments always consider the history of work, in the register's CV, as the first priority.
Leaders
 mostly always judge individual results before educational profiles.
For instance
, my sister was a leader of the data analytic team,
while
 her educational profile is not related to the working field. When she got into another job, she easily went to a higher position than every
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 in the company.
Therefore
, the experience and the individual
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 have higher priority than certifications.
To conclude
, graduated
people
 are guaranteed that they were learning related knowledge in their fields.
However
,
leaders
 should concentrate on the history profile and the
consequence
Fix the agreement mistake
consequences
show examples
 of their jobs. These are reasons why I partially agree with
this
 idea.
Submitted by kongsakun on

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Task Achievement
For Task Achievement, ensure to fully address the prompt statement, providing a clear argument for or against the idea. Incorporate more specific examples to strengthen your position.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the introduction and conclusion by clearly stating your position on the topic and summarizing the main points. This will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

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