IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

When the time comes to commence full-time employment, individuals who have graduated from university deserve a higher salary than those who have not. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Some
people
Use synonyms
said
Wrong verb form
say
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 that workers, who have a
degree
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, should gain a salary higher than employees, who
are
Verb problem
do
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 not. In
this
Linking Words
 controversy, I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because graduated
people
Use synonyms
 are guaranteed that they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 learning.
However
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,
leaders
Use synonyms
 should be focusing on other things. Undeniably, employees, who have finished university, have evidence that they are learning in needed fields. Not only in theoretical terms
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
Linking Words
 in practical terms.
For example
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, my friend, who graduated with a computer science
degree
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, used to do a laboratory of IT security before getting a job. When he works, he shows his potential and becomes a senior position faster than
people
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, who have no computer-related field
degree
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.
Thus
Linking Words
, workers, who have certifications, are guaranteed that they learned many things that relate to their fields.
In contrast
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,
leaders
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, in a job place, should focus on things,
that
Linking Words
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 more important than a
degree
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, including the experience and the result of an individual person. In an interview, judgments always consider the history of work, in the register's CV, as the first priority.
Leaders
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 mostly always judge individual results before educational profiles.
For instance
Linking Words
, my sister was a leader of the data analytic team,
while
Linking Words
 her educational profile is not related to the working field. When she got into another job, she easily went to a higher position than every
Use synonyms
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
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 in the company.
Therefore
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, the experience and the individual
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
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 have higher priority than certifications.
To conclude
Linking Words
, graduated
people
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 are guaranteed that they were learning related knowledge in their fields.
However
Linking Words
,
leaders
Use synonyms
 should concentrate on the history profile and the
consequence
Fix the agreement mistake
consequences
show examples
 of their jobs. These are reasons why I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea.

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Task Achievement
For Task Achievement, ensure to fully address the prompt statement, providing a clear argument for or against the idea. Incorporate more specific examples to strengthen your position.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the introduction and conclusion by clearly stating your position on the topic and summarizing the main points. This will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
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