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Band 4.5

Some people believe that sleeping is the only method which allows people to get enough relaxation. Others believe that physical activities such as playing games and exercises also provide enough relaxation. Discuss both views and provide your opinion.

It is an undeniable fact that sleeping is the most effective way to relax.
Although
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 a section of the community thinks completely opposite
of
Change preposition
to
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this
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notion
Punctuation problem
notion,
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 as they believe that sports are the foremost way to get relaxation, I opine that involvement in physical activities can be more helpful than sleeping. On the one hand,
according to
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 the masses, sleeping would be beneficial for health in a number of ways.
Firstly
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, working full-time makes people tired
,
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;
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therefore
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, they want some free time to recharge their bodies, and sleeping well can only assist them because people who do some physical work related to labour
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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. Take an example, construction jobs usually involve a lot of
bodywork
Check wording
manual labour
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.
As a result
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, they do not feel any more energy for playing games and taking part in sports.
On the other hand
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, I am in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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favour of those who think that taking part in sports and physical exercises can be more fruitful than sleep. White-collar jobs
like
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, like
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 someone who do office
jobs
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jobs,
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 need to do some physical activities
along with
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 games
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 are the only options they have.
Hence
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, they prefer to join the sport to remain fit
and
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, and
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 they can live a healthy life
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as
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, as
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 well as experts in the sport
also
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 assist them in exercises which mainly focus on relaxation without any burden or muscle pain. In conclusion,
while
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 several people assure that sleeping cannot be replaced with physical activities and which is a fact, I believe that games are
also
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 as pivotal as having rest to keep the body healthy and active.

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Development
Add clear, equal points for both sides with more full examples.
Coherence
Make links between ideas clear with simple words like and, but, also, however.
Grammar
Check grammar and use short, clear sentences to avoid mistakes.
Structure
Shows both sides and ends with your own view.
Content
Some clear ideas about rest and sport.
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