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Band 4.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #benefit
Some people believe that it is
injustice
Add an article
an injustice
show examples
 to fix the
retirement
 duration for everyone irrespective of the type of
occupation
. They
also
 think that certain staff deserves to get retirements as well as pension during their earliest
age
.
This
 essay disagrees that
setting
Replace the word
sets
show examples
 the benchmark for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retirement
 without considering the
occupation
 type would be unfair
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 everybody. There are few workers who
deserves
Change the verb form
deserve
show examples
 to get retire and have pensions at an early
age
. Occupations like teachers and government employees
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
need to work
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
above 65
age
 to keep them fit and healthy because they are working in
comfortable
Add an article
a comfortable
show examples
environment
Fix the agreement mistake
environments
show examples
. There are certain workers like miners,traffic controller and manual labourers or construction contractors
they
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 spend their lives working in
a tiring and stressful environments
Correct the article-noun agreement
a tiring and stressful environment
tiring and stressful environments
show examples
 they
deserves
Change the verb form
deserve
show examples
 an early
retirement
 and pension. Setting the
retirement
age
 without regarding the
occupation
 type would be unfair because there are people enjoying working in their older
age
 like teachers and other govt officials. For
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
lifestyle
Add a comma
,lifestyle
show examples
 people prefer to work more rather than take
retirement
 and end up doing nothing at
homes
Fix the agreement mistake
home
show examples
.
Secondly
, there are hardworking employees like traffic wardens, coal mine diggers and manual labourers
they
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 work day and night putting their lives
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 risk daily they
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 to get
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
early pensions and retirements. To sum up,
retirement
 should not be encouraged for every category of
occupation
, it should continue beyond 65
age
 for good health.
Similarly
, many employees
Correct your spelling
whose
show examples
who's
Correct your spelling
whose
show examples
 lives are at risk daily
deserves
Correct subject-verb agreement
deserve
show examples
 to get retirements before 65
age
 and show rewarded pensions.
Submitted by ngnrpro on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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