IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honor, kindness, and trust, no longer seem important.

#person’s #status #possessions #values #honor #kindness #trust
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Although
 many
people
 believe that these days an individual's worth is considered by
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
his
her
show examples
 status in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
his
her
show examples
 bank balance,
whereas
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
values
 like integrity and trust
never
Add a missing verb
have never
show examples
 been taken into account. I am inclined to firmly concur with
this
 assertion that
values
 are not
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
considered important. The essay will justify my inclination in the subsequent paragraphs.
Firstly
, the strongest one to prove my view is a materialistic approach adopted by society in order to assess
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 person's stature.
This
 is because many
people
 in the community have different
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
 associated with that individual, especially in developing countries where
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money is given importance.
For example
, in Pakistan society, political leaders are elected based on wealth, status and power.
Secondly
, the poverty ratio,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is on the rise. Owing to
this
, many poor
people
 indulge in the inferiority complex and the
Feudalist
Fix the agreement mistake
feudalists
show examples
 use their wealth and social contacts to put them under their influence. To illustrate, Punjab Police in Pakistan is used by the feudal to exert pressure on the opponents and poor
people
 to make them realize their social contact and power.
Besides
this
, the trend of nuclear families is growing in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
urban cities and there is an absence of older
people
 in the families who can teach children about the
values
, norms, and ethics of living in the communities.
Furthermore
, parents spend less time with their children and more time at work to meet the needs of the family,
therefore
, children and young
people
 are deprived of learning important life lessons. Through my own experience, I have seen that parents busy with multiple jobs tend to give less attention at home and the quality time to teach these
values
 are no more
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
at
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
 priority. To conclude the aforementioned, I am predisposed to argue that societies are considering
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wealth and social power to judge a person's status and neglecting the imperative social norms and
values
 which is detrimental to the community at large.
Submitted by muhammadhamzafaazal on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Materialism
  • Social status
  • Old-fashioned values
  • Honor
  • Kindness
  • Integrity
  • Consumerism
  • Superficiality
  • Ephemeral
  • Philanthropy
  • Prosperity
  • Altruism
  • Narcissism
  • Humility
  • Empathy
  • Ethics
  • Moral compass
  • Minimalist
  • Contentment
  • Material possessions
  • Status symbol
  • Wealth disparity
  • Moral bankruptcy
What to do next:
Look at other essays: