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Writing Samples
Band 3

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
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Why
games
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 should be considered dangerous? Most
of
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apply
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adult
Add an article
the adult
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people
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 are those who are against computer
games
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 or violence on television, in spite of young
people
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are
Wrong verb form
being
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 used to
this
Linking Words
 type of technology,
but
Correct word choice
apply
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not all is good.
First
Linking Words
, starting with
that
Change the determiner
that adult
those adults
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adults
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 used to play in a different way,
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
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 with us, two decades ago there are no cellphones, even around 80's started appearing the
first
Linking Words
 televisions, that's why
the
Correct article usage
apply
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adults
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 used to play traditional
games
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,
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
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 marbles, with the "trompo" and they played hide and seek. So, when things advanced fast they couldn't understand many things, but they tried to adapt themselves, there's the problem
,
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apply
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since
Correct word choice
that
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 young
people
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 understand changes faster than
adults
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, companies, which develop apps or programs, took advantage of the situation advancing faster than
the
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in the
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 past years, until appeared the smartphone, with a touch screen, in order to
games
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 and programs
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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more possibilities talking about
generate
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generating
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 more interactive
games
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. That's how young
people
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 were hooked and started the discussion, due to parents controlled more
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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and
saw
Wrong verb form
seeing
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 the type of
games
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 that they play, In conclusion, the game
don't
Change the verb form
doesn't
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 define
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
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children's
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 or young man
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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, because as we are humans we know how
difference
Replace the word
different
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 reality from virtual
games
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 and
also
Linking Words
 we can think
what
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about what
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 is correct or incorrect, so
adults
Use synonyms
 emphasize when some children have mental problems thinking that the game was the reason, but that's not true.
Submitted by ismael.222sr on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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