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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Experts say older people were happier and healteir in the past because they did more excercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas many now suffer from loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solutions ?

#experts #people #healteir #excercise #time #friends #loneliness #health
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Nowadays, People have a problem with stress and work-life unbalance; these main factors
occurred
Wrong verb form
occur when
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 depression disease is gradually increasing and office syndrome. In comparison, in the past, society was happier and healthier than people in
this
Linking Words
 day because they have a
worked-life
Correct your spelling
work-life
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 balance and not too much pressure from high comparative advantage
likewise
Linking Words
 today.
Additionally
Linking Words
, in the present day, everything is
high competition
Replace the word
highly competitive
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, especially in business; every company wants to have a high profit. That’s why the staff have to endeavour heavier than past and
this
Linking Words
 is the cause of stress and office syndrome happening in personnel today. On the one hand, the most important factor is technology; the growth of technology is making the world connected easier and worldwide. Which means everyone can contact you at
every
Correct determiner usage
any
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 time. That makes the staff didn’t task in working-time like would be.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, many organisations release and solve the problem. For
instants
Replace the word
instance
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, many companies in the U.K. are kick-off the policy to production 4 days per week. The law in France; they have the right to disconnect, which means you can no-reply any task when the outside working time makes French personnel
are having
Verb problem
apply
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more productivity effective than many countries in the world.
To conclude
Linking Words
, these methods make every labour more leisure time for rest and doing other activities to decrease the street from the personnel and might decline the number of patients with depression disease insignificant because the most cause of
this
Linking Words
 disease is stress and most of them are alone, so they don't have any people to help and figure out the solution form them.
Submitted by p.rassarin on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your ideas. This will make your essay more convincing and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that your ideas are logically connected throughout the essay. This will make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary by using a wider range of words and phrases. This will enhance the depth and complexity of your writing.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve clarity. Make sure to proofread your essay to catch any errors.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • technological advancements
  • work culture
  • urbanization
  • geographical separation
  • mental health stigma
  • traditional family structures
  • intergenerational living
  • physical activity
  • social interactions
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