IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think the government should pay for health care and education, but there is no agreement about whether it is the government’s responsibility. What is your opinion?

There are
controversials
Correct your spelling
controversial
controversies
 perceptions heating up a debate over the expense of the healthcare and educational system.
While
Linking Words
 some claim that it is crucial for the authority to foot the bill for those
two
Use synonyms
 expenditures, the opposite makes a notion that the governors bear no liability to do
such
Linking Words
 a thing.
While
Linking Words
 both perspectives are valid to some extent, I would contend that the bill for the medical and educational industries should be foot, but only partially. Obviously, it is
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
necessity
Replace the word
necessary
show examples
 that the government cash in hospitals and academies.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that not only can those
two
Use synonyms
 systems enhance the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 workforce’s skills in the respective field but
also
Linking Words
 their physical health significantly and,
therefore
Linking Words
, help the country’s economy foster dramatically.
For instance
Linking Words
, developed nations with massive economic strength,
such
Linking Words
 as Germany or Holland, all yield their citizens with education and medical care for free.
Hence
Linking Words
, it is of high importance that expenses for these
two
Use synonyms
 backbone industries are paid by the authority.
While
Linking Words
 the essence of the governors’ investments in the healthcare and teaching systems is
widely-acknowledged
Correct your spelling
widely acknowledged
show examples
, they had better not bear these costs alone. And the explanation for
this
Linking Words
 is that the country’s budget is not capable enough since alternative facets still remain.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 burden should
also
Linking Words
 be shared with the inhabitants because by spending money on these services, they will be more conscious of the quality of their health and studies.
For instance
Linking Words
, facilities provision,
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 development and the enhancement of the amusement industry are compelling examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 other fields that require the budget of the nation. Provided that the government supports the medical and educational system financially and completely, people who are involved in drugs or are ruining their physical health directly or individuals
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 drop out of school will
also
Linking Words
 benefit from
this
Linking Words
 decision, and
therefore
Linking Words
 cause injustice and unfairness in the society.
Thus
Linking Words
, the authority should not provide these
two
Use synonyms
 aspects with full financial support. In conclusion, though payment for the educational and healthcare system from the governments is of paramount significance, the burden should not be carried by them alone.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay provides a structured argument on the topic, but it could benefit from a clearer logical structure. Ensure that each paragraph follows logically from the one before it, and that your ideas are presented in a sequence that makes your argument easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present, they could be more impactful. A stronger thesis statement in the introduction and a more concise summary of your argument in the conclusion could enhance your essay's effectiveness.
coherence cohesion
Your essay supports its main points, but incorporating more specific examples and evidence to reinforce your arguments can significantly improve its persuasiveness. Aim to include clear examples that directly support your main ideas.
task achievement
You have addressed the essay topic, but your response could be made more complete by fully answering all parts of the prompt. Make sure you provide a clear opinion throughout your essay and explicitly address all aspects of the question.
task achievement
Your ideas are somewhat comprehensive but can be made clearer. Work on explicitly stating your arguments and ensuring that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. This will help make your essay more articulate and easy to understand.
task achievement
Including more relevant and specific examples can make your essay more compelling. Make sure that the examples you provide are directly related to the points you're making and that they illustrate your arguments effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • fundamental human rights
  • boosts the country's economy
  • productivity
  • public funding
  • equality and accessibility
  • socio-economic status
  • privatized
  • disparities
  • prioritize
  • people's well-being
  • inefficiencies
  • bureaucratic challenges
  • mixed approach
  • optimize
  • quality
  • availability
What to do next:
Look at other essays: