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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society?

In recent years, there
is
Wrong verb form
has been
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 a growing trend of an ageing population, raising the crowd's concerns about the potential social impacts of the older population. Some people regard the
elder
Replace the word
elderly
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 as valuable assets to the
community
Use synonyms
, providing critical insights to pass through to the next generation.
However
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, others believe that the more older people in the world, the more
economic
Correct article usage
the economic
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 burden on society to cover their living expenses. Despite that both arguments are reasonable, I am in favour of the latter view.
This
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 essay will demonstrate the rationale from both perspectives and provide my own opinion with supporting arguments. On the one hand, the elder group is admittedly insightful. With more than thirty years of sophisticated experience, they have an in-depth understanding of industry secrets
as well as
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 other soft skills
such
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 as negotiation, leadership, and cooperation. Not only will the young generation work under the supervision of these industry veterans, but
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also can they
Correct word order
they can also
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 learn valuable lessons from them.
Therefore
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, steady growth in the proportion of the older
community
Use synonyms
 is not necessarily something negative.
On the other hand
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, an increasingly older population
also
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 has negative impacts on society. First of all, the ageing
community
Use synonyms
 is retiring from work, indicating that the
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
 will be dependent on pensions to fund their daily life.
Furthermore
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, there will be a shortage of
labour
Correct article usage
the labour
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 force to sustain economic growth. Some countries
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 Japan, have already been struggling with their ageing labourers. Modern Japanese are even encouraged by their government to give birth to more babies, in an attempt to save the nation from a
working-force
Use the right word
workforce
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 shortage.
To sum up
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,
while
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 older folk enlighten us with their abundant experience, they take more resources than they contribute.
As a result
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, the demerits of an aged
community
Use synonyms
 far outweigh its merits.

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task response
The writer states a clear view and sticks to it.
coherence
The essay follows a logical order with 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand'.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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