IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with family, friends,and colleagues are more important than work and wealth. Do you agree ordisagree with this

#happiness #relationships #friends #colleagues #work #wealth #ordisagree
Many
people
 claim that if somebody has a job and wealthy life, he or she reaches personal happiness.
However
, others support that
people
's
relationships
 are the most important issue for their personal satisfaction. In my opinion, I believe
although
 gaining money and economical welfare is significant for
people
, if
people
 do not have strong
relationships
 with their friends, family, and colleagues, they cannot enjoy doing anything that they can do with money.
To begin
 with, humans are emotional beings and they need other
people
 when they are living. They want to share their thoughts and sensations with each other.
Therefore
,
people
 should give priority to their
relationships
. If
people
 consider their professional life much more than their
relationships
, they feel alone end of the day. Even though they gain lots of money, they cannot purchase lonely. They want to communicate with someone and meet their relatives.
In addition
, wealthy life does not mean that
people
 have everything.
People
 can acquire non-emotional products, clothes, and foods but they cannot buy
people
 who connect with them when they
need
Correct pronoun usage
themneed
show examples
.
For example
, when they need help, they can call someone and when they are upset, they want to share their unhappiness to decrease.
Therefore
, the argument of the fact that work and wealth are more considerable than
relationships
 cannot be accepted. In conclusion, it is evident that emotions and relations are the major items in our lives. Freedom of economics is
also
noticeable
Correct article usage
a noticeable
show examples
 figure but it should not be forgotten that if
people
 do not have close
relationships
, richness does not make sense.
Submitted by merttufan197 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: