IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

some people believe that parents should be responsible for encouraging their children to take regular exercise . others argue that the main responsibility for encouraging children to do so should lie with school . Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #parents #children #exercise #responsibility #school
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Few people believe that guardians should be responsible for motivating their heirs to do constant physical activities.
While
 others think that the major duty for motivating
children
 to
exercise
 relies on institutions. I tend to incline toward the former notion. On the one hand, there are various reasons why the public opine that schools should take responsibility for daily
exercise
 because educational institutes are one of the major places where the rule and regulations are followed in a daily manner so, the student can achieve their life goals. To elaborate, schools and other educational organizations provide proper guidance by expertise in
this
 field, and with the help of different tools and machines, students can do physical activities with fewer chances of injuries.
For example
, worldwide academies provide morning parades to all the campus students so they can study with
freshened
Correct article usage
a freshened
show examples
 mindset.
Therefore
, with the help of a
proper discipline
Replace the word
properly disciplined
show examples
 environment, juveniles constantly
exercise
 with full enthusiasm.
On the other hand
, I believe that the primary reason why
parents
 should teach their young ones to do regular workouts is that they have been staying with them
while
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the time after school. To explicate,
children
 get a comfortable environment at home with their
parents
 and they get noticed by them individually as compared to schools.
Moreover
,
parents
 play role models to their offspring as guardians can motivate their
children
 by offering some presents so, they can do
exercise
 not only for good health but
also
 be more excited to do the workout with more energy.
For instance
, infants learn basic things from their mothers from childhood if the father and mother encourage them to start
for
Wrong verb form
exercising
show examples
exercise
 they
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 continue throughout their whole life. As
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
,
parents
 can be the best motivator for the health of their young ones because they have one or two heirs whom they care for.
To conclude
, I opine that
although
 there
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
 some role of institutions in
children
's health,
however
, there
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
 a major role of the family in their child's life to keep inspiring them for doing workout for a better future.
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coherence cohesion
The main points are loosely connected, resulting in a lack of logical flow in the essay. Ensure that the sequence of ideas is clear and logical, and use linking words to connect the points more effectively.
task achievement
The introduction and conclusion are present, and the main points are addressed to some extent. However, the essay lacks a clear and complete response to the task, and the ideas presented could be further developed and supported.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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