IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Today, many people use the internet and smartphones to transfer money to friends, family, and businesses. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #internet #smartphones #transfer #money #friends #businesses #development
Nowadays, the evolution of banking has an advancement more than in the past.
Therefore
, a lot of
people
 who want to alienate cash turn to transfer
money
 via the
internet
 and an application on smartphones. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both pros and cons of transferring
money
 via the
internet
 and present my personal opinion. On the one hand, there are numerous benefits of financial transactions via smartphones.
First
 and foremost,
people
 in
this
 generation have to manage their life as quickly as possible, including in terms of financial banking. For
this
 reason, transferring
money
 by using the
internet
 is a suitable way because there is a convenient and rapid process so users should not have to go to the department store or the banking centre, which is
Correct article usage
a wasted
show examples
wasted
Replace the word
waste
show examples
 of
time
.
Moreover
, users can do
this
 transaction anywhere in the world all the
time
, which is not
concern
Wrong verb form
concerned
show examples
 about office hours or holiday weekends.
For instance
, many
people
 who lived in urban cities where there have not a number of banking or mall branches can transfer fees for online shopping easier and should not have to take much
time
 and loss tuition for going outside towns.
On the other hand
,
money
is
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 transferred via the
internet
also
 brings some drawbacks.
First
 of all, an error from auto-machines or systems, which are controlled by artificial intelligence, will be happened
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sometimes.
Also
, users might
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
fill
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 information number of a destination incorrectly so
money
 is transferred to other accounts, which an unknown person.
Consequently
, they wasted
time
 resolving these problems by contacting
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a bank officer to pull their
money
 back. In my point of view, I believe that the benefits of humankind who transferred
money
 to other
people
 via the online application are an overwhelming positive than negative development.
Submitted by itemtofan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: