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Band 4

Many people today would argue that cinemas are becoming irrelevant due to new streaming services. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #cinemas #services
In
this
 modern ,era people have many alternatives for everything that makes our life easy. Some folks say that in
this
 technical
world
Add a comma
world,
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 cinemas lost their value and people prefer other new streaming sites
such
 as Netflix,
prime video
Correct your spelling
Prime Video
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 and so on. I disagree with
this
 statement and in forthcoming ,paragraphs I will extend my view and others'
view
Fix the agreement mistake
views
show examples
 as well and give an appropriate conclusion to
this
 essay. Nowadays, the public has many options
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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available to watch movies
such
 as Hotstar, Netflix,
prime video
Correct your spelling
Prime Video
show examples
 and many more so they no longer need cinemas.
Furthermore
, these sites provide all the latest content to them and
due to
 their busy schedule, our community have no extra time for cinema
as well
as
Correct word choice
and
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 these updated version streaming services replace the old method of movies.
In addition
 to
this
, these types of entertainment assist the public when they feel bored in their workplace.
However
, these are quite expensive but useful as well. Moving
further
, movie house has their own value and is still popular among the public
while
 many options are available in the market.
Moreover
, it has a huge screen,and a silent environment, and the sound quality is far better than streaming apps.
Apart from
this
, it gives the opportunity to
crowd
Verb problem
apply
show examples
get familiar with others. Above and beyond
this
, it
also
 provides quality time to society that they spend with their family and loved ones. Well, the film not only connects family to family but
also
 connect their soul. In conclusion,
although
 the latest streaming apps replace movie theatres, but
did
Wrong verb form
do
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 not completely replace their value. It is still popular in the community and the population prefers to watch films there because it has many advantages.
Submitted by mahlyan.vs2111999 on

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coherence and cohesion
Improve the structure of the essay by using clear and logical paragraph organization. Ensure that each paragraph addresses a specific point related to the topic.
task response
Provide more specific examples and elaborate on each point made in the essay. Additionally, address all aspects of the task prompt thoroughly and cohesively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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