IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. • Do you agree or disagree? • Which types of workers do you think should benet from early retirement?

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #benet
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Some people believe that
age
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 of 65 must not be the deciding factor for
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retirement
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the retirement
show examples
 of a person and it is treated as unfair. I completely agree that
Use synonyms
retirement
Correct article usage
the retirement
show examples
age
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 limit of a person should depend on the type of
work
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 he/she does and particularly
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
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work
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 in
army
Correct article usage
the army
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,
navy
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,air force ,manufacturing and chemical industries. There are two main reasons why it is mandatory to consider a
profession based
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profession-based
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retirement
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age
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 criteria and there is one counterargument why some people think it is useful to set
common
Correct article usage
a common
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age
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limit
Fix the agreement mistake
limits
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 for
workers
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 from all industries.
Health
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The health
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 issue is one of the reasons because
workers
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 in
army
Correct article usage
the army
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 ,airforce,
navy
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,
manufacturing
Correct word choice
and manufacturing
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 have physical
work
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 and
exposed
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are exposed
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 to
extremely
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an extremely
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 dangerous environment.
For instance
Linking Words
, a person working in a chemical industry
exposed
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is exposed
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 to harmful gases and pollutants irrespective of protection. It impacts their
resipiratory
Correct your spelling
respiratory
 system ,lungs ,kidneys and many parts of the body. In a nutshell, early
retirement
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 is
must
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a must
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 for
workers
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 exposed to harsh environments.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Stress
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 is another reason for
an
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apply
show examples
early
retirement
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.
Navy
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 jobs are really stressful because
workers
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 of
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navy
Correct article usage
the navy
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 must spend months of time in the ocean and
exposed
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are exposed
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 to a lot of
stress
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.
For example
Linking Words
 , One of my friends working in
Correct article usage
the indian
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indian
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Indian
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navy
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 always complains of
stress
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 because he is on
ship
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the ship
a ship
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 for many months.
However
Linking Words
, setting a higher
age
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 limit is useful because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the knowledge and experience gained by older can be used to guide younger generations for practical purposes.
For example
Linking Words
,
Correct article usage
the indian
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indian
Change the capitalization
Indian
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 army has aged
workers
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 who have an experience in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
war fare
Correct your spelling
warfare
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 and the practical knowledge ,
strategy
Correct word choice
and strategy
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 gained by them
helping
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
 younger
workers
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 to create new strategies. In conclusion,
age
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 criteria for
retirement
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 must be based on the type of
work
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 and should not be generalized to all industries. Health and
stress
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 are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 reasons for setting
industry specific
Add a hyphen
industry-specific
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 criteria for
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
early
retirement
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by kgpnit on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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