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Band 4.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. • Do you agree or disagree? • Which types of workers do you think should benet from early retirement?

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #benet
Some people believe that
age
 of 65 must not be the deciding factor for
retirement
Add an article
the retirement
show examples
 of a person and it is treated as unfair. I completely agree that
retirement
Correct article usage
the retirement
show examples
age
 limit of a person should depend on the type of
work
 he/she does and particularly
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
work
 in
army
Correct article usage
the army
show examples
,
navy
,air force ,manufacturing and chemical industries. There are two main reasons why it is mandatory to consider a
profession based
Add a hyphen
profession-based
show examples
retirement
age
 criteria and there is one counterargument why some people think it is useful to set
common
Correct article usage
a common
show examples
age
limit
Fix the agreement mistake
limits
show examples
 for
workers
 from all industries.
Health
Add an article
The health
show examples
 issue is one of the reasons because
workers
 in
army
Correct article usage
the army
show examples
 ,airforce,
navy
,
manufacturing
Correct word choice
and manufacturing
show examples
 have physical
work
 and
exposed
Add a missing verb
are exposed
show examples
 to
extremely
Add an article
an extremely
show examples
 dangerous environment.
For instance
, a person working in a chemical industry
exposed
Add a missing verb
is exposed
show examples
 to harmful gases and pollutants irrespective of protection. It impacts their
resipiratory
Correct your spelling
respiratory
 system ,lungs ,kidneys and many parts of the body. In a nutshell, early
retirement
 is
must
Add an article
a must
show examples
 for
workers
 exposed to harsh environments.
Moreover
,
Stress
 is another reason for
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
early
retirement
.
Navy
 jobs are really stressful because
workers
 of
navy
Correct article usage
the navy
show examples
 must spend months of time in the ocean and
exposed
Add a missing verb
are exposed
show examples
 to a lot of
stress
.
For example
 , One of my friends working in
Correct article usage
the indian
show examples
indian
Change the capitalization
Indian
show examples
navy
 always complains of
stress
 because he is on
ship
Add an article
the ship
a ship
show examples
 for many months.
However
, setting a higher
age
 limit is useful because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the knowledge and experience gained by older can be used to guide younger generations for practical purposes.
For example
,
Correct article usage
the indian
show examples
indian
Change the capitalization
Indian
show examples
 army has aged
workers
 who have an experience in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
war fare
Correct your spelling
warfare
show examples
 and the practical knowledge ,
strategy
Correct word choice
and strategy
show examples
 gained by them
helping
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
 younger
workers
 to create new strategies. In conclusion,
age
 criteria for
retirement
 must be based on the type of
work
 and should not be generalized to all industries. Health and
stress
 are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 reasons for setting
industry specific
Add a hyphen
industry-specific
show examples
age
 criteria for
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
early
retirement
.
Submitted by kgpnit on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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